So I have to give a HUGE shoutout to Zappos publicly because they are seriously amazing. I have been a Zappos VIP for years, actually since before I met Shane. I have also been a loyal customer to their sister site, 6pm. Zappos is a great place to pick up shoes and other goods that you might not be able to buy elsewhere. This past fall I ordered the kids' summer shoes from Zappos and Adeline picked out a pair of tie dye rainbows when we were shopping. She also picked out Uggs that had stars on them. I was able to get my own pair of Uggs with stars and a pair of Bogs clogs that match her tie dye rain boots.
Imagine my disappointment after finding these perfect shoes (because they would have matched my girl) and having them arrive with a defect. Further they were my only waterproof shoes at the time and there was tons of snow on the ground and I was heading to St. Louis for the weekend with a friend. I was stressing about what I was going to do because I have not wanted to waste money and I certainly did not need two pairs of waterproof shoes.
So, I called Zappos and spoke with another of their wonderful customer service reps. I have had to call customer service several times and I have never once been disappointed by anything that I have heard. I explained the situation and broke down crying when I was talking about how important these shoes were to me. After breaking down I told the story of what happened to Adeline and the customer service rep was so sweet that it sounded as though she was crying too. She told me to keep the defective pair and sent me a new pair, telling me that there was no reason for me not to have these to use for the weekend.
I thought that this was the end of the story and I was so satisfied with the outcome.
However, yesterday I got a surprise package from Zappos. I was beyond grateful and of course, I sobbed at the beautiful items that they had picked for us. We received two keychains (one blue and one pink) that had Adeline's initials, a heart, and a picture of our family on them. (My guess is that they got pictures from my blog or by going to Facebook.) Then we got a beautiful Spotify decor piece that has her song and a picture of her as well as a blanket. There was a card tucked inside that talked about how the customer service rep was so touched by my story and talking to me that she could not get me or my family out of her mind. She said that she just wanted to do something that she hoped would put a smile on my face....and it did!
Yesterday was full of surprises and ended up being a very emotionally exhausting day. Before receiving this treasure I found a photo account with a different email that I did not know that I had. When I found this, I was able to find a lot of pictures that I had thought that I had lost. There were over 600 photographs including all of the ones from Adeline's special 5th birthday trip to California and Disneyland and our trip in 2019 to Florida and Disney World. I was so excited to have some of these pictures back along with our Portland vacation and our vacation to Colorado. It was so nice to have these memories. I will admit that putting them into albums and repeatedly seeing my sweet girl's face was so hard. I cried and cried and cried some more with each new page....but I am so thankful that I can pull out these books and live in a space where I can cherish these memories further.
A friend sent me this amazing picture of Adeline from a happier time. This was a paint night for kids and Adeline was so proud of the unicorn painting that she was able to make and that we were able to experience the night with her friends. I miss hearing her giggle and laugh with her friends. I miss doing crafts and sharing in these activities with her. I miss every single little moment or mundane thing that I took for granted, like helping her tie her shoes. I would give anything to hear her come into my room and ask me to tie her tie dye Converse again. In addition to this, I found the special book that I had made for my girl and was able to report it and have a copy here at the house. It will never be anything close to bringing her back, but it does help me to keep her memory alive in my house with more things that help me feel connected to her.
Then on Monday night I had a meeting at the dance studio where we were asked about competition team jackets. I had to buy one for my sweet girl because even though she is not here that is something she worked so hard for and I want the jacket to celebrate her accomplishments even if she is no longer here. I feel her presence and her spirit often and I want for her to see us celebrating what an amazing and beautiful dance she had become while on competition team.
As I was sitting in the dance office, I looked over at the director's desk and saw the fabric that was a part of Adeline's favorite mask. I started sobbing and then yesterday Althea surprised me with the fabric and the studio had just told her to bring back what we don't use. I am going to ask if I can make a donation and keep it all. This fabric was one that Adeline loved and I have a few different ideas about how I would like to use it when we are decorating our home (after we finally buy one...which would require working, which I am not ready for).
Sunday I am going back into my house for the very last time. I am getting clothes of Adeline's to have a quilt made and for a few surprise projects that I want to do for our future home. I feel sick thinking about walking back into the house. It is so hard to be in there and think about everything. Smelling the smoke instantly takes me back to those moments when I could not get back up those stairs to save my baby girl. It makes me think about everything that I should have done in order to be able to save my precious angel. I am still so sorry and wish like anything that the outcome had been anything else then what it was. I just need my angel back and I need to hold her and cherish my time with her and just have her with me longer.
To top off all of the things that I am dealing with, the pilot to Adeline's one TV show episode is going to be airing soon. I am so excited to see her perform and to hear her say her line (just "Thanks") that she was so excited about. She was so proud that she received a line. The producer posted this adorable picture of her and I will share more when the pilot is available for everyone to watch. Just keep me in your thoughts as these things airing and wrapping up mean the last things that I will get to see that were a part of my girl and are new. There will never be another new video of her and for that, I am so very broken and sad.
Prayers are appreciated now more than ever. I am still so very sad. I am sobbing more, breaking down more, and having a much harder time keeping it together. I refuse to stay in bed all day and let myself go down the path of the most deep depression, but there are moments that feel so debilitating that I literally can't breathe and feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. It is so painful and yet there is nothing else that I can do. There is nothing that will make the situation better. There is nothing that will change things so that we all feel better. There is literally no way to fix things. There is absolutely nothing that I can do or say to make what I am going through easier. There is no way that anyone who has not lost a child can ever understand the permanent and deep pain that is constant.