Another Year Brings New Heartbreaks

So, I have just learned to resonate with the fact that I have changed so much since losing my daughter and the me that existed when she was here died along with her. I am a new person, a person who has tried to be better in all areas of life, embracing things like friendship and learning to lean on people after a life that was mostly spent as a loaner. If you are still here with me, thank you friends...you can't possibly know how much your friendship means to me.

This year has been a year of challenging growth on my part and a year of learning to focus on my own needs and desires while truly embracing the real people who show me themselves. This has been my biggest problem. I have always ignored the friendships and relationships that were actually in front of me, wanting to see people as being better humans. This year the painful friendship loss that I faced was hard. I truly considered this person one of my best friends. After Adeline she jumped to help and was there for me in every possible way, but I noticed as I got less involved online and began to focus more on the people around me, not posting about everything that I was doing in life...I ended up not seeing her as often. It was like without public praise, she wasn't going to be there for me or be my friend. Sadly that means walking away from one of Adeline's best friends too because I am not going to remain in contact with a child when I am not going to remain in contact with her parents.

Adeline would have been 14 this year and that reality has sucked to face. I don't know what she would have wanted for a birthday gift. I don't know if she'd still be acting or if she'd be playing sports with her two very best friends. I do not know if she'd still be doing things with the same friends, but there are three little girls who love her dearly and whose moms continue to think of me and remember me on those tough days. For that, I am forever grateful and will forever be thankful that these moms and little girls were in our lives.

As you move through life, sometimes you face things that could destroy you. For me the biggest chance that I took on that was to be there for a friend and her sister when they lost their niece/daughter, but to be frank and honest, I should not have taken that chance to destroy myself. Her husband has hidden behind a group on FB and has even posted veil threats to me because we do not agree politically. He told me that no one wanted my empathy, yes the very empathy that was given to him and his family that almost destroyed me....so, I am good and will not go where I am not wanted. That being said, after almost 30 years of friendship I did expect a response to a text where I poured out my heart at the hurt of what was said to me and shared that I loved her deeply and how much her friendship meant to me but that I could not allow myself to be around her brother in law for fear of what it would mentally do to me. I got no response....literally nothing.

Then on Adeline's birthday, I watched and nothing was said from this person....nothing at all and that silence rang loud and clear. Her other three friends' moms continued to post on her birthday but the silence from this friend left me questioning 30 years of friendship and what I discovered is that narcissists are good at making you feel like you are so lucky to be their friend, but I scrolled through past messages and there was literally nothing that was not self serving from her.

Lots happened in 2025 with this friend that was a continuation in a way of 2024. I had called her battle after she lost her niece and suggested that we plan a trip together to celebrate her and to make her feel special. Somehow a trip was planned to CO with a show at the Red Rocks and time spent in the mountains hiking (one of my personal favorite activities) and I was not included. I contacted her battle who claimed that it was all my friend's idea and that she didn't know how to include me, but there has always been a sinking suspicion that her battle actually screwed me over completely, cut me out, and planned the trip that I suggested (I suggested the exact mountain summit that they climbed because I knew my friend had always wanted to do it.).

This is what the year has been for me with friendships. Lots of pain and hurt, but I am resilient and if losing Adeline didn't break me, losing a friendship certainly won't. For months I have obsessed, but after Adeline's birthday I blocked them all because frankly I don't need that negative energy or to continue trying to be friends with someone like her. Her truth is pretty obviously because she usually doesn't have or keep friends for long and looking through our messages I wondered what took me so long. It was never reciprocal. I was only asked to go on trips with her as an afterthought when someone else canceled. I was never just asked to go as like an actual friend to plan a trip with. I took her on weekends away and fun things for her birthdays and other events and she never repaid those favors with even including me in trips that she was taking. Every single time we got together it was me reaching out, the only time she ever reached out and made plans with me was right after losing Adeline. I just want to know what kind of fucked up game she was playing....was it all just to feel better about her own life to watch me grieve? I can't help but think that none of it was genuine, because she is genuinely cared about my daughter, she would have posted about her on her birthday.

I know I was a good friend to this person, even going as far as to pay for her to go to Disney World with her child silently, not telling anyone until this post because I didn't give to brag or gloat. The only reason that I am even saying anything now is to let my readers and those of you who do not know me personally to know that this is someone that I was a good friend to.

Growing up bullied, I never had friends and having friends and being treated like this is way worse than just not having friends, not putting yourself out there, and not giving effort into friendships. I was able to read and sit in silent beautiful places like cemeteries where I could be at peace .There hasn't really been peace in friendships like there is peace in solitude.

While this shares some reflections about personal pain throughout the year, it has also been an incredible year of growth.

I traveled to Europe solo and visited three countries, spending some time with friends, some time with Althea, but a lot of time alone in reflection and thought. It was a hard trip because of some crazy circumstances that left me feeling very unsafe on day 1 and unable to eat on days 2-10. I wept and felt feelings that I have not been able to feel here in the states. It was freeing but to be honest, I don't know if Europe will ever be among my favorite places. It was beautiful but I am much more impressed with the people and the culture of places like Mexico and Jamaica.

I learned to set boundaries and to not push myself to exhaustion. I taught 8 courses last spring and 7 courses this fall. 5 courses is a full time load. I decided after this semester that I was not going to be willing to teach an overload any longer. I am taking a break from one school with hopes of heading back in the fall to pick up 2 classes there along with the 3 that I have at the other institution where I work. That way I am working a full time load but it is not necessary for me to push myself past that because it is not long-term sustainable.

Boundaries are something that I have never been good at, but I am learning in these recent years and with each boundary that I set and follow through, there is a feeling of pride and maybe even a little joy. I am making healthy choices for me.

I still weep pretty much daily thinking about how much I need my little girl here with me. You can't understand the need to have Adeline in you life if you didn't know her, but if you knew her, you'd know that living without her is a new kind of Hell that seems dark and the world is just not what it was when she was in it.

I still beg God to let this all be some dramatic dream, some dramatic warning where I have spent the past 5 years longing for a past that I can never have again. I need her. I don't think that I will ever be able to understand why God had to take her from me.