Plans & Thoughts

Today, I have been working on some last minute vacation planning. We decided to just do WI this year as we hadn't taken the kids to Madison or Milwaukee before. As I was looking at things to do and make plans, once again the reality hit me that I do not get to have my littlest love on our adventures with us. It is so painful to try and plan things with the looming storm cloud that threatens to destroy all of the plans that are made.

There have been a few times since we lost Adeline where we have been on vacation that I have become so overwhelmed with my grief that I have not reacted as I ever would have before. I hope that this doesn't happen and I have really tried to plan things that are more geared to the ages of our family now, mostly adult. This does help, but there are still cool things that we will see that I will know that she would have loved and that will send my thoughts spiraling to how unfair it all is.

And to be clear, I am not talking about unfair to me as a mom.

I am thinking about the unfairness that it is to Adeline. It is so unfair that she only got to experience 9 years and 15 days of life...that she did not get to go to another country with us or that she did not get to go see Phish. While I try to live life with no regrets, knowing how much she did get to do in her short time here....it still is just painful when you are working on things.

So far, I know what we are doing on day 1 of our trip, which is that we are going to House on the Rock to explore. I am excited to be able to check out everything with Shane, Andrew, Althea, and Huxley. Adeline will be with us as I carry a mini urn of her ashes every single place that I have been since we lost her. I even put it in my wallet for when we go to shows or other places so that she is always there. This helps me in my own way to be able to know that she is with us and that she is enjoying the travels in her own way now.

As I continue planning, I know that I will continue to be thinking about her and how I can celebrate her in some tiny way while we are on our journey.

This photo was taken on one of our last imperfectly perfect trips together. This was just the two of us with friends who had plans and we had time to kill. This was the moment that she looked out the window of the arch to the world below. (I miss her so much and the pain feels so unbearable most days, but I continue to put on a brave face and try to enjoy the world around me for her.)

Our Miracle

We know she is always with us.

Saturday she made her presence known to Shane and I when my radio started doing a weird thing on a screen that I did not know existed. I said that I believed that it was Adeline to Shane and that she would do something else to show us that it was her and just after that, she changed the song on my playlist and not for the one that should have played next. I hope that she makes her presence known on vacation, I don't think that I have missed it in the past, but I want to make sure that I am always hyperaware in case she makes her presence known.

Quick Note for Readers

I know that many of you might not believe like I do. That is fine and you are free to never read anything that I write again. Please do not send me messages about her being in a better place or about what you think when I talk about what gives me comfort. You can choose to believe that my daughter does not communicate with me beyond the grave and I can continue to know that our bond is so strong that she does. She is never going to stop and I honestly think that she is going to only grow stronger the longer that we are forced to live without her. Keep your opinions to yourself or I promise to start taking screen shots and blasting folks who send rude comments. I am over it!