What Would She Say?
I think that one of the hardest parts of not having Adeline here with me is not knowing what she would say. As she got older, what would she enjoy? What would her hopes for the future be? What games would she be playing? What colors would she want her clothes to be? What would she pick out to wear? What picture from her early childhood would she be choosing to use as her 4th grade promotion slide?
I am struggling. Every single day, waking up is a struggle if I am being honest. When I think about this, I am flooded with emotions...the waves are so very big. I am flooded because I can't believe that I would be so selfish as to waste any of my days because Adeline would have never wasted a day of life. She was always so full of life, ready for an adventure, and so willing to live. I miss that. I miss feeling her alive with me. I know that she is still with me. She gives me so many signs, but I still struggle because I can't reach out and hold her.
With school right now, I feel defeated. I have never wanted anything as much as I wanted to accomplish finishing my MS for my girl. I wanted to celebrate with graduation with some of my classmates and was only going through graduation because I know that Adeline will never get that chance. I also wanted to finish graduate school because Adeline always told me how proud of me she was and I only had one paper and one complete class left to finish. However, my complete class is my field of study and it has been the hardest thing that I have ever done in life and I am not certain that I will pass. I am devastated but trying to remain positive. The problem is simply that my brain does not connect the dots with intelligent thought process any longer. My brain simply won't work like it once did and I am so tired of trying to make it work and feeling like a failure. I am struggling mentally because of this.
I do have good news to report....finally at least a little good in my life. Last week I signed a temporary/short term lease in Canton so that Althea can go back to school there as I have accepted a position as a reading aide at the high school. I am so excited to have a place of employment where I can combine my loves of helping others and my passion for education. It is a great fit for me and my coworkers are pretty awesome. I really love it and am so excited to have a position that I can have for years to come that will work out perfectly for my family...I get the same schedule as the kids. So, the search continues for a second home in Canton....a small space where we can really see our futures play out and a simple life that puts family at the center. Family was always my focus but there is more of a pressure to make sure that family is always front and center these days.
I continue to miss my girl with every single breath that I take. At moments it feels as the waves of grief will drown me, but somehow I always survive. I want nothing more than to have my girl in my arms, to be able to be mommy to Adeline and to celebrate her growth and triumphs with her. I want to be picking out childhood photos of my littlest love for her 4th grade promotion, instead she will always be a 3rd grader. I want to be celebrating and planning a party with her friends for us all to have a good time together, instead I get to celebrate with her friends and their parents while longing for her. The longing really never stops. I never stop missing her. I never stop needing her. I never stop wanting her to be here with me. I am stuck in a never ending nightmare that makes me feel like my heart has broken to the point that it can never be a heart again. I just want what I had. I would take all of the problems and worry again too just to have my littlest love with me.
We are coming upon the time of Adeline's 4th grade promotion, the one she will never get to celebrate, and I know that there is nothing that I can do. I have heard rumor that the school will be doing a small memorial service for her. This means two very much to me. One thing that Adeline loved with her whole heart was her home of Canton. She wanted to live there forever and always told me that she would always live in our home that she came home to when she was born. She loved Eastview, her teachers, her principal and her friends. She loved everyone with the purest heart I have ever known. To hear how many think of her as their best friend has been so beautiful as is the ways that our community pays tribute to her and shows us love through the ways that they help to keep her memory alive.