What More Do They Want

I'm really starting to think that many people want to see me break completely to the point that I no longer exist. There are people who continue to do horrible things against me and the sad thing is that every single one of these people was an adult at a church where I went. There is one woman who I called her son a racist and a bigot, which I stand firmly behind and her duaghter in law a bigger POS because well she is. I am not hiding what I feel any longer or placating that type of behavior. The mom who I will call a bully, yes TV you are the biggest bully that I know and someone who came to me and said horrible things to me. Well, you told me to keep your children's names out of my mouth and I have not said a damn thing about them, and all I asked was for you to do the same, for you to not say my daughter, my previous Adeline who had died's name. Well, you did and you do continue to comment and post on every single one of my mom's posts about my dead daughter. Seriously, why? Why are you cruel that you want to break me? Why are you such a bully that you have to kick someone who is already living with the greatest pain that any human can endure? Why do you want to destroy me completely? You are a perfect example of the very worst in all of humanity.

I am struggling worse than I have ever struggled before at this time in my life. I can't find a job because of the ignorance of the Trump administration and the fact that they are not replacing people who retire anymore. Every single job that is open (there are 6 nationally) is going to require me to leave my family and move and all I want is to stay here in my home, close to my children and family after losing my daughter, but the attacks on higher education are becoming too much.

I can't remember the last time that I was alone and not breaking down sobbing. Every single car ride to work and home, every single time I leave the house to go anywhere alone, it all takes so much longer because I have to stop in the parking lot and collect myself before leaving.

The only time that I feel good about myself is when I am pouring myself into others and giving back.

The world we live in is so cruel and evil and to see the cruelty and evil being spread by people from the evangelical churches that I grew up in is making me physically sick.

The fact that my tax dollars are funding a genocide is something that keeps me awake at night sobbing. Knowing that mothers are burying their children because of weapons that I have essentially paid for is shredding what little hope my soul had left.

I am not well.

I have been looking at how I can negate the bad of the world and the horrible things that are being done in the name of God and I am thinking about going on a trip to serve others and to truly show God's love as I know it to be.

What I have decided is that I am going to be the change that I want to see. If I do not have a full time job by the fall of 2028, the time at which my youngest child will have already graduated high school, I am going to be joining this organization called Heal Palestine and I am going to go to Palestine and show God's love to the people who are there suffering. I am going to hold those heartbroken mothers who are burying their children and I am going to work with those orphans who have lost their parents. I can't sit idly by any longer and not be a part of the good. Am I scared? Terrified would be a better word, but I believe that God will protect me as I venture to serve others who have lost everything. I can't sit in my comfortable home, enjoy the pool in my back yard, or even enjoy the food on my plate knowing that these people are suffering and starving to death. I will use myself and I will go.

I really think that a big part of my mental health issues are not serving God and I know that God is calling me to the Middle East. I know that he is calling me to serve others, to show compassion, and to work towards healing. The pull that I feel is so ingrained within me and my soul that I am starting to think that this is what God's plan and path for my life is. I believe that perhaps I am not getting that full time job, because God wants me to stand for what is right and what is holy and to show love to our foreign neighbor in the ways that are possible but also the ways that require my own sacrifice of comforts.