You know when you have a dream? That one thing in life that you always wanted, well, for me that was children. I love all of my children equally, but there is a bond that is between a mother and a daughter that is so different from any other bond in the world.
One year ago, we were shopping at the mall, pre-COVID, wearing new matching shirts that I had picked up at the WWII Museum in New Orleans. I remember it as a great day, lots of laughing, my girls getting some things that they wanted, and just being present together. I hope that I never forget the joy that I felt in my heart and soul on that day spending time with my little girls.
Adeline and Althea are more than just my daughters, they are my friends. Althea has always had the closest bond with my mom. It's been adorable as she is her mini me. If you walked into our temporary extended stay cottage right now, you would see the place is neatly organized and somehow every single little item, has a place. This is my Althea, this is my mom.
Adeline on the other hand was me. I have never felt so connected to another human in my life. She was so much like me, I understood even from a baby what made her mad, because they were the same things that made me mad. I understood her first jokes because they were the same things that I thought were funny. I never hesitated to tell Shane what was wrong (and I was almost always right) when she was so upset that she couldn't....always knowing because we really thought alike.
There are some ways that Adeline and I were different. She was far funnier than I've ever been. Perhaps, I am really that funny on the inside but years of hurt and oppression to try and "fit in" have made me less funny. Those who are closest to me always say that I am a funny person. Adeline was also nicer than me. I think that I was probably just as nice as she was at one point in life, but after years of hurt, I closed myself off to people.
My baby loved so strong. I called her my smoochie-moo because she was always so smoochie. We used to just lay in bed cuddling and watching movies or lay in bed snuggling together just talking. None of my other kids have ever wanted this type of a bond. They say they want to cuddle and most of the time are pushing my arm off of them saying that they are hot or something. Adeline never once did this. She would have cuddled me all day long and that is the thing that I Miss the most through this all.
That is what I miss the most in this world. Every single time that I am crying or sad, I miss the way that she would have culled up in my lap or perfectly curled up next to me in bed. It is weird, by her little body would fit so perfectly next to mine...even when we sleep that way all night long.
Adeline's unabashed love is something that I will try to carry forward with me. She loved everyone. She loved the people who were not her friends with the same passion that she loved those of us closest to. Until I lost Adeline I didn't understand the depth of the word love. I didn't understand that there could be a pain so great. I know that I will never be able to pass by another person shooting up on the street without stopping to tell them that they are loved and to ask if I can give them a hug. I can imagine the pain that they are chasing with their demon. I can imagine the pain that would make you want to disconnect and escape life.
I am so thankful for my other three children and so impacted by the children that I have raised. This experience has taught me that I was a far better mom than I ever could have thought that I was. I see the tears in my sweet Huxley's eyes. I see the pain when he hugs me and know that now that family is gone and his cousins are not here that he is going to have more pain coming. I just hope that my sweet boy will continue to let me hold him and hug him when he is feeling sad.
Althea is the sibling that I am most worried about. She is not processing the death of her sister. Please pray for her. She keeps saying that she is fine, but I hear her sobs in her sleep. She won't cry in front of me and I feel that I am to blame as I continue to fall apart. I think that she is still in shock, but she is exhibiting a few OCD tendencies as she tries to make everything perfect. For instance, after spending all day organizing the hotel room how she wants it, Shane was getting pajamas out of his suitcase and moved by suitcase to where his was and his to where mine was out of ease to just simply put it away. I saw her look over at it and then get up and switch their places because she needed the bigger suitcase to be behind the smaller one. I keep telling her that she doesn't have to be strong, but she is bottling up her emotions and I am really worried about her.
Andrew is a rock and has been so good to me. He had my banjo fixed and has gotten the glass case that surrounds Adeline's bear since her bear is likely toxic. That bear is sitting on the hotel dresser, because their nightstand is not one that it can fit on, but once we have our own home, that bear will be beside me every night while I sleep because it was mostly beside her every night while she slept.
I know that I will never get over the pain that I am feeling. It is not going to just go away, but I pray for the day that I can wake up without sobbing, which is what I know that Adeline would have wanted. I will continue to focus on the people around me. I want to be a good mom still. I want to move forward in parts of my life and be a better person, all because of my sweet Adeline.