Two Weeks Without You
It has been two weeks since the absolute worst day of my life. In literally 3 hours, we would have awoken to smelling smoke, sent your dad to check, and heard him scream that our house was on fire. This was literally the scariest moment of my life and I cannot imagine how scared you were although for some reason when you called down to us and we last heard your voice, you didn't sound scared. I pray that Jesus was with you, telling you it was okay, and that you were carried home by him and welcomed into Heaven with open arms. I have to believe that this is true. I have to believe that you are building our castle in Heaven. This is what gets me through each and every day along with 2 Peter 3:8, a Bible verse that has given me more comfort than anything, because it tells me that while my time here on earth feels miserably long without you, you are not feeling time like I do. This would mean that when I see you, it was like you were at school for a day without us, or even just a few hours. Holly told me she can see you with a hand on your cocked hip saying "mommy and daddy what took you so long?"
I have hit a new phase in the grieving process today. I have fully accepted that you are gone and that you are never coming back to me on earth. While it still hurts with a depth and passion that I could NEVER have imagined, I can talk about some of your stories and share some memories of you without crying. Last night was a bit rough for me and Althea finally had a breakthrough too, where she cried. We talked about you, how much we both miss you. I told Althea that I am determined until the day that I die to continue to bring presence and meaning to your life. We will honor you in every single way that we know how so that you are NEVER forgotten and your memories will be kept alive. At moments, I still feel as though I can't breathe without you.
It took two weeks for me to no longer wish that it had been me in that fire. There is still a tinge of that wish left, but with the acceptance that it was your time and not mine for some reason, I have begun to understand that had it been my time, it would have been me, but for some reason God has kept me on this earth without you. I can only continue moving forward as long as I believe that the purpose has been to keep your undying love, beautiful sparkle, and unrelenting joy alive. It is so hard to feel joy, but I know that you would want us to try and to be the best mommy and daddy that we can be to your two brothers and sister.
Two weeks without you has meant two weeks since I last kissed that beautiful forehead after putting you and Althea on the floor. Two weeks since the moments that I have replayed over and over and over one million times, wishing that I had done something different. Two weeks since I saw your sister emerge down the stairs after I had rushed to help Andrew escape. How I wish that I had carried you down those steps, you don't know how sorry I am baby girl that I couldn't save you. I finally have felt your presence telling me that it is not my fault. I had a dream and I finally felt you telling me that I did nothing wrong. I feel your comfort in a world without you in the most painful and unbearable way.
Some days, like yesterday, I just needed to stay busy. We helped work on cleaning the rental house after grandma and grandpa's former tenants had trashed it. I am so sad for them that they were taken advantage of in the worst possible way by a woman who deserves to be told exactly what pain she has continued to cause. We could have moved right into a house together, but instead we have to wait at this hotel's cabin. It is hard being in such a small space as I know that we all crave a little privacy, but nothing is comparable to losing you. I would give literally everything that I could ever own, everything that I have ever owned, just to have you back in my arms. I need you, my sweet Adeline, I need you with a passion that I have never needed anything before and yet I know that this will never be.
It has been one week since the last time that I could kiss your body's forehead and tell you good-bye. I know that you were not physically inside of that body when I was telling you good-bye. I know that you were not there, but that was the second most painful thing that I have ever had to do, the first being leaving your bedside to be checked into the hospital. I still have glimpsing moments of the fire. I have moments where I can smell the smoke and it is during those moments that the steps that I took will play again and again. Sometimes it can be so hard to silence the mind.
I know that this is an odd time for a post, but this was the time that I needed to tell you that I love you. I pray that you can read all of these things that I write to you. I pray that you can still feel me and that when I get to Heaven, you will run and jump into my arms. I don't know if I will ever be able to let you go again once I can give you that hug. You have already impacted us in a big way Adeline. Your daddy fully believes in Jesus now. Your daddy has told me over and over again that the only thing that can get him through is the thought of being in Heaven with you. We have changed my sweet Adeline and you are the power that changed us. Daddy and I are more determined than ever to make it, to make our marriage work, and to have the best family that we could ever have, even if that family has to keep moving forward without you when we don't want to. We both just want you back.
You have changed me my sweet Adeline, you have given me a purpose and a mission in life that I have never felt before. A determination and a purpose to do something with my life to keep your memory alive. I hope that you are proud of everything that I will do. I hope that you are happy with the choices that I have made moving forward. There could never be another you, but for some reason as a mommy my first thought after losing you was to have another baby. I now realize that it would NEVER solve this pain that it would NEVER make it better. You will forever be my baby, my precious sweet baby girl that I could NEVER imagine living without and yet here I am powering through.
After my cervical cancer, when I was told that I would have a second cancer, I was so fearful. I prayed each and every night that Jesus would do two things from this moment. I asked Jesus to let me live long enough to see you graduate from high school. That was it, that was all that I asked him for. I told Jesus that I didn't want to be selfish and that I just needed to make sure that each and every one of my babies was okay, that they could be strong adults. For a while I started writing letters to you, your brothers, and your sister. I wrote letters for each birthday that I was fearful of missing, letters for each holiday, and letters for big life events that I was fearful of missing. My goal was to have these all organized in a tote and each event that I was here for, I would toss those letters and smile knowing that I had give each of my children another memory, another moment to remember me by. Nothing could have prepared me to lose you.
You see, the only other thing that I had asked Jesus for in the last 17 years since Andrew was born was that I would NEVER lose a child. I asked God to please NEVER take one of my babies away. At first, I was really upset with God, I tried to never be angry with God but there were moments when I was begging that he bring you back to me that I became angry. I want you back sooooo bad, but I know that this was God's plan. Too many little signs and symbols that you have given to me have shown me that this is what was supposed to be, even if I can never fully accept that and will always have a hinge of doubt that I couldn't save you, even if I will think of you every second, every minute, every hour of every day that I am alive, I know that there is a reason that Jesus took you from the earth. I believe that this all has to do with you having a greater purpose and we are determined to try and navigate what that purpose is.
Well, my sweet Adeline, one week since we last touched you, two weeks since you last kissed me and told me that you loved me, I can't believe that this is my real life at times. At times, I beg God to show me why this had to happen, I beg for Jesus to take away some of the pain that I am feeling and to fill that painful void with some happy memories of you. I beg that you are able to come to me through visions and dreams. I beg that you continue to visit me in my dreams.
The premonition that I had for the past six months makes little sense now. There was a part of me that was soooo shocked when I lost you, because I had been preparing myself for a different fate. You see, I had been having the most painful dreams, dreams that would keep me awake, dreams that would keep me from sleeping much, dreams that would stop me in my tracks during the day when I remembered pieces of them. I was having this feeling that something really bad was going to happen. For the past couple of months I wept to your dad that there was going to be a tragedy and I told him how scared I was of losing him. I could have NEVER imagined that the tragedy would be losing you. In fact, in those premonitions and dreams, you and I were together. We were always together, but it was just the two of us and we were alone. I remember worrying every single time that you and would be alone somewhere and daddy and the other three kids were together. I remember praying each time that daddy and the other three kids drove somewhere alone. I still don't understand these dreams but each day I pray for meaning.
I was so afraid of dying that I forgot to live at times. I know that one day I will die of cancer. When I was told that it wasn't if I would get a second cancer, but when, I just prayed that the day would not come until you were grown. I begged Jesus for nine more years with you just a few weeks ago. I prayed that there would be some type of passion and love that would allow for me to live to see special moments in your life. I never thought that I would live to be an old woman, but I did think that I would see little moments, like your 4th grade promotion that you were so excited for, your first days at the jr. high, your proms, your graduation from high school, you picking out the college that you wanted to go to, you deciding what you wanted to be as an adult, but those moments will never come for you and those moments as a mommy will never come for me. This has been so hard to accept.
I am determined to live each day to its fullest in honor of you my sweet Adeline. I am determined to never again fear death, even though I need to keep living for your siblings until my time to go has come. I am no longer afraid. I am no longer thinking that I should go to the doctor when I feel weird pains in my body. When the cancer does come, I will embrace it and I will fight with the strength that I know will be you guiding me through the process. Then I know when my days on earth finally come to an end that we will be united again. There is a comfort in my death that I feel. I feel a comfort knowing that you will be there for me, that you will have that castle that you promised us waiting. I know that you were telling us these things now to give us a sense of peace and comfort, but it is hard to feel that peace and comfort with you gone.
I must go try to sleep some more tonight my love, I must attempt to have a good night's rest to spend the day with your brothers and sisters as I am sure that this day will be just as hard for them. We all wonder why we survived and not you, we all question why we were chosen to stay here while you were taken much too soon.