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  • awalto29

Trying to Understand

So, here I am being honest again that I just cannot understand what I am going through. I am trying my hardest to understand the why. I miss my little girl so much. I miss the happier times. I miss her spunk and her spirit. I just miss her. I was watching her audition videos which I will share over the next few days. I have been looking at photographs of her from over the years. There were so many that I still don't know which ones to include here, but I guess I will start today with a few and just add them in as we go.

Adeline had such a fire and passion for life. She was so spunky, so funny, and had such a zeal for life. I do not understand why she is the one that God took from us. I don't understand why it couldn't have been me instead or someone who didn't have this much going for them. I wanted to see my gorgeous girl grow up. I wanted to hold her hand as she did so many things in life. I just wanted to be with her and have her here with me. I am not doing well this week. I just miss her so much more than I have and I don't understand why this week was so hard.

This video was one of her first auditions. It was a two part audition with the next video. It was also the first dance that she had ever choreographed (with the help of Althea) which is really special now since it will also be the last dance that she ever choreographed. Again, I am struggling with the why since she had so much going for her and had such a great life to look forward to.

I watch these videos of her doing her thing. She loved acting and had so much fun with doing so. I miss that spunk and her spirit. I miss having. her here with me to practice and work on acting. We had so much fun with acting and she loved eery minute of it. We had the most amazing times together. I don't know that I can ever have those same types of things again with anyone else.

I can't help but think about how odd some of the things that happened this year were. I am going to list some of these for you!

**I got off of social media for five months before Adeline passed and really focussed on living in the moment with the kids.

**While I was normally kind of strict about sugar, for the last few months of her life I was buying her sweet tarts each time that I went to the store. I am so glad that I let her have these extra treats.

**We did so many things that she loved on vacation (even though it was social distanced) and spent so much time swimming in the ocean which was her favorite.

**She got to act in her first role and was given her first (and only) line on the day of filming.

**Adeline was accomplished and successful with the things that she was pursuing.

**I got months of time at home with our entire family.

**She had a special room that she was very excited about that she got to share with Althea.

**She grew closer to each one of us.

**We spent so much extra time together and she spent a LOT of her free time with me....even when I was reading, she would hang out in bed with me with her headphones on and just enjoying time.

I am so thankful for the extra time that we got together. I am so thankful that I was pursuing something other than being just a stay at home mom, because school and my part time work and writing has gotten me through these days that have been so tough. I am trying and will continue to try with being able to see the good that allowed me to be with my girl more than I should have and the things that made life a bit better for us.

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