Trying to Push Through the Pain
It's a Sunday morning...the time that I dread more than anything. If only I had woken up earlier. If only I had done something different. I am so sorry my sweet Adeline. I am so sorry that I could not save you. It still doesn't feel real that you did not come down those stairs, the same stairs that you had walked, ran, jumped, skipped, slid up and down thousands, perhaps even a million times.
I never thought that I could feel a pain so deep. I never knew that my heart and soul could hurt so much. As I sit here sobbing, I wonder why? Why did God need you now? Why couldn't God see that we needed you too? Why didn't God answer my only prayers that I had for years? What did I do so wrong to make God take you from me? Why couldn't I have my perfect angel for longer?
I am terrified and haunted by that night. I am haunted by the fact that I could not save my baby. I am terrified that I might have something else happen to one of the other three kids. I feel so lost, so broken, and so sad in a way that I didn't even know that you could feel. The emotional pain has been making me physically ill. I was able to buy jeans that were 4 inches smaller than what I wore just weeks ago when I went to The Buckle yesterday. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I don't want to exist without my sweet Adeline and yet here I am trying to keep on trucking. I have no idea what the silver lining is in this horrific moment. I have no idea how I can make this better or what I can do to make my life just a little bit better. I am so broken, so lost, so sad that you are not here with me. I need you. I need to see you. I need to hold your hand. I need to hear your sweet voice and hear that laughter that you were so full of. Oh my dear Adeline, I just need you.
I am trying to focus on happier times on the amazing memories that you have given us, the amazing moments that we spent together. I am trying to realize that I can just be even if I am not the same that I was before, that I have to be the best that I can possibly be for Huxley, Althea, and Andrew. I have been trying to be patient. I have been trying to be understanding. I have been trying to be a good mom but at times I just don't feel that I have anything more to give. My soul has been ripped from my body and crushed and there is nothing that I can do about it.
This video makes me sob and makes my heart happy at the same time. We were in Kissimmee after having gone to Disney and I took you on a few rides. This was the one that you wanted to ride on the most. You were so brave and never had fear. You made me braver. I did things with you that I would not have done with anyone else because you had that special way about you that made me feel like living life to the fullest was possible. I think that this is the biggest lesson that I learned from you, I just wish that it was not a lesson that I had to learn. I wish that I could have just had you. You deserved to have more life. You deserved to have a long happy life. You deserved so much more than I was able to give and for that I am so sorry.
I think of you every second, every minute, every hour, of every day....but it is on Sundays that I think of you the most. It is on Sundays that I have the fear that I cannot be better. It is on Sundays that I feel like I can't carry on. While I still cannot listen to Adeline's favorite song myself because it makes me cry too hard to even think about it. I have included it here for you to listen to. Adeline, please please please please please know that mommy is so sorry that she didn't make another choice 21 days ago. I am so sorry that I did not do anything to help you more and that I could not get you out of our house. Adeline, I am dying inside but trying to live because I know that this is what you would want.