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3 Years, 1,095 Days...I Still Can't Believe You're Gone

Three has it been three years since I last heard you tell me you loved me and that you were the luckiest little girl in the world because I was the very best mom in the entire world. I would give anything to hear that voice today. I listen to videos of you, feel your presence when songs come on the radio or when we enter spaces that we have been near with you.

(Mommy's friends Amber & Daneen went and put balloons on your bench last night for today. Everyone misses you so much. You are so very loved!)

We are on a family trip and it still continues to feel empty on these trips as you're not here with us. Yesterday we left home and headed south. We stopped in Memphis and went to the Bass Pro Shop pyramid which I had never been in before. We walked around a bit and the boys went to the top with grandma, grandpa, and Tyler. Then we went to a BBQ restaurant that was across from the Lorraine Motel.

We walked over to the motel and I couldn't help but be flooded by the memories of you and the fact that the last time I was crossing those streets and standing in those spaces, you were with us and you held our hands.

(The Lorraine Motel...the site of a horrific tragedy and the death of a wonderful man who was inspirational for so many. I'm so thankful that we got to experience this place together.)

This year, the struggle has felt heavier. I feel like you are farther away from me the more days that stretch between us. That feeling is so damn painful. I just want to hold you. I know that you are with us though. While we were eating BBQ as soon as we all sat down, Lean on Me started playing and I was flooded with memories. Just after our last visit to Memphis with you, Bill Withers passed away. It was the beginning of COVID and I remember preparing journal prompts, creating some stuff together, and me being able to share history with you. I know that you were the only kid who really enjoyed those little history lessons and you retained so much. I miss talking to you about history. I miss you asking me about random things and telling me that it was history, that I was historian, and that I should know it all. Those moments will forever be treasured with you.

After leaving Memphis, we stayed a little south of there. Today we got up and daddy, Andrew, Althea, Huxley, and I went to Medgar Evers' home. It was really interesting to walk through. You would have LOVED the bathroom. It was pink and blue and even had the cutest little pink heater that you would have enjoyed checking out. The house was filled with tons of fun midcentury items, we got to learn some about the project and the important contributions that Evers made to the civil rights movement. It was really fun and interesting and I could tell the other kids were not nearly as excited as I was, but I know that you would have been.

(You were always pure joy!)

You were our light and our world has seemed so dim since you have been gone. We still try to enjoy life. We know that you would have wanted us to. We will celebrate you and share you with everyone we meet. I am so sure to say your name each and every single day. Your brothers and sister are trying their best too. I know that Althea really misses you so much. Huxley also misses and regularly share you with the people he meets as well. Andrew likes to share the memories of the times that you made him laugh. Daddy and I miss your cuddles and laughter most of all. We miss every single thing about you. Every single moment! I will never stop longing for you.

Please visit me in my dreams baby girl!I need to spend time with you. I need to know that you are okay. I am trying not to be angry at the world.

(Medgar Evers' home. You would have thought that everything about it was so cool...even the history and learning about the amazing things that he did for civil rights!)

For three years I have wished that I was the one who had died. My friend Tara lost her dad as a young child. Hearing her talk about that and the pain that she has had to live through was hard for me. I would have never wanted to put you or your siblings through that pain but I wish so much that you were here with us. I just need you and I know that I have said that more than one thousand times in the past three years, but it is so true.

On the days that I don't think that I can go on, I sit and think about your passion, your excitement, and then I try to have an experience for you. I hope that you are joining me on each of these experiences. I feel like I can feel your presence. I just want you know that I am doing them all for you.

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