The new year used to signify new beginnings, things I wanted to change and ways that I felt that I could be a better version of me. I remember carefully crafting my lists of goals with intention, working on them throughout the year...often failing at some (losing weight, hey the struggle is real and this is obviously always a goal) while crushing others (going back to school, etc.). Now the new year symbolizes the worst possible pain. The pain that comes from the reality of having to start a year that Adeline will never be a part of. A new year of memories, memories where she won't be with us, travels and adventures that we can't take her on, and holidays and special moments that she will only be a part of in spirit or memory.
I never new that starting a new year could feel so bad. I never believed that starting a new year could mean so much pain.
One of my friends sent me this awesome slide that she found that Adeline had created. She had used our last family picture. I was so touched to see that this photo meant as much to her as it did us.It will forever be the last time that all six of us were in a photo together that I have. I know that there were some selfies of the family or at least I think that there were on my phone but I have yet to be able to unlock it and get the hundred of photos that were lost from the last six months of her life.
I still wake up and can't believe that this is my life. It has been more than three years and it feels like I just lost her yesterday. I can't believe that I have continued on for so long without her. I wonder each and every day what she would have loved. Would she still like the color pink? Would she still have a nostalgic love for unicorns or would they be too juvenile? The thoughts that are constantly on my mind are about who she would have become as she got older. What music would she have loved? What would her favorite songs be? ...her favorite TV show? ...her favorite movie? What would be her favorite thing to do for fun? Would she still be acting? Would she still be dancing? Would she have moved on to a new love? Would she be playing sports with her friends?
I hate that I have to live this life. I hate that I can't be with her. I hate that my dreams and visions were so wrong and that it wasn't just her and I together. I still can't make sense of what those dreams meant or the level of pain that I have continued to feel because they were simply so wrong.
Christmas was like all Christmases now. It was painful. We tried to have the best day possible and we were surrounded by family which is one of the biggest blessings in these times, to have those we love and cherish close has meant more than anyone will ever know. For those who continue to love us, even on our worst days, thank you. I am being sincere when I say, I hope that you never understand how much your support truly means to us. (For if you did, you too would have to suffer an immense tragedy that is beyond words.)
We are very fortunate that we can travel and enjoy our time together
The beach was beautiful, but it was a little too cold to truly enjoy the water, but that didn't stop us from visiting a few times.
We had to take different pics with the kids since we didn't have anyone to take pics of all of us together.
The kids had a ton of fun with Uncle Tyler.
They buried Hux.
They also gave wet hugs!
I love my people...just wish that Adeline was in these pictures too.
T-Rex in the woods!
More fun with T Rex!
I literally could not keep going without the love of my life. He helps me in so many ways and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. The kids and I are super lucky to have such a great man to call husband and dad.
Sitting by a fountain!
On the way to Alabama we stopped in Memphis and Hux went with grandma and grandpa and Uncle Tyler to the top of the Bass Pro pyramid.
Lunch at the Hangout!
High ropes course!
High ropes course! I swear I could hear Adeline giggling when Huxley got nervous.
Right before she passed, Adeline shared with us that her favorite Christmas tradition was our Christmas Eve gift and matching jammies. This year it was Dino Jammies for all!
Finally, I need to address something. I have learned recently that a certain cousin of mine who was the worst person in the world to me about Adeline's celebration of life, actually stating to me "I don't know why you'd want to have one anyway, its too hard." posted about her love for my daughter. If this were true and she truly cared about her, then #1 - she would have gotten the day that Adeline passed right and not posted on the wrong date and #2 - she would have come to the celebration of life that was changed for HER and not canceled last minute with her mom (my aunt) who told me that Adeline's celebration of life was "not entertaining enough for her" and that she "didn't want to just sit around". I am not really sure how these people have the audacity to say my daughter's name, type it or anything else, but to those of you who see this and are still friends with them, know that there are true snakes among you and seriously don't trust them for they would certainly do you the same way if push ever came to shove.