As I sit here tonight on the eve of what should be a celebration of your 12th birthday, I feel heartbroken and anxious and full of a nervous energy knowing that tomorrow will be so painful, the hurt will make me feel as though my body has a physical ailment of sorts that I can't explain, one that makes it hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to see past my own pain....but in reality there is no ailment, it is simply all in my head.
(I truly would give anything just to see you smile again. This is forever the lsat photo that I will have of you with with a birthday treat.)
I miss you. I miss you with a longing that I can't even begin to explain. It hurts so bad to have to wake up each day and live in a world where you are not living beside me. It hurts so bad to think that I have to spend your birthday without you here with me. I sure hope they know how to celebrate you in Heaven and that everyone up there is able to give you a big hug...a big hug that I wish so much I was I was giving you. I want you to be here with me. I still pray every day that I am in a coma or some other awful fate, a world where somehow I am not quite living in the every day but in my head, a world where you get to live. That is all that I could ever want for you, a world where you get to live and grow up and accomplish your dreams to their full potential. You did a such an amazing job of accomplishing your dreams while you were here, I have no doubts that your entire life would have continued to be just as amazing!
The regret that I feel for not saving you in those final minutes is a regret that I also can't explain. It fills me like a black tar and weighs me down in ways that I did not even know a human could be weighted. I feel at times as if my very soul is lying in a puddle inside of my feet being held down and consumed by the regret that I have. I wish so much that I had made different decisions in those final moments, that I had not focussed on what the firemen had told me and that I had just grabbed you and gotten out. I told you to stay under the smoke and to crawl not realizing that crawling down stairs would be so hard for your small size. I am so sorry, so very very sorry. I want so bad to be able to tell you, to hear you tell me that you forgive me and that you still love me. I am so sorry. I just wanted to be the best mom possible to you and I failed you in the worst way possible.
I hope you are proud of the accomplishments that we have made since we last got to be with you. I hope that you are cheering on your brother when he plays football and that you continue to dance and perform beside your sister. I hope you continue to laugh at Andrew and that you are singing along as he plays his guitar. I hope that it is really your voice that I hear in my car on those long car rides and times of solitude. I hope that you are still lying in your daddy's arms hugging and cuddling with him.
From the moment that you entered this world, I knew that you had forever changed me. I felt a calmness and a peacefulness that I had never felt before you were born and have since to feel since you left us. Your spirit connected with mine in a way that mine had never connected with anyone before and I continue to feel that spirit around me. I am so thankful for those moments and times that you are with me. I know that you are beside me for all of my biggest moments and accomplishments. Sometimes when I am nervous and squeeze my hands in a moment of anxiety, I swear that I can feel your little hand inside of mine. Thank you, thank you for continuing to spend your time with me, coming to me and showing me in so many ways that you are near.
(We try to take a little piece of you wherever we go. We took your unicorn to our awkward family pics!)
I still can't quite believe that I am spending your third birthday without you...that it has almost been three years since you left us. I can't quite believe that so much time has passed and yet it feels as though no time has passed at all. I have learned so many lessons through you, both through how you lived your life and through how you continue to influence those of us who knew you. You make me strive to be a better person today. You make me aspire to share kindness in ways that I don't think I ever aspired to share kindness before. You were my angel when you are alive on this earth, the one who truly saved me from everything, and yet you somehow still continue to be my angel after leaving this earth, the one who continues to bless me and save me. There are moments when things don't feel right now, little moments when I feel as though my car is not moving when I put my foot on the gas, as if someone is holding down the break, and then a car runs a red light going fast, a car that would have hit me. When I feel as though I can't do something, there is a push that I feel come from somewhere deep within and I know that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. That inspiration is you, it is all you, because you were so inspiration to those around you. You truly do continue inspire us.
I have tried to create lasting memories with the friends and family who you loved the most. I have tried to keep your memory alive with them and loved every moment where they shared the memories that they have of your time together. Your friends all miss you so much still. I can see it in their eyes and feel it in their hugs. Me, your dad, your brothers, your sister, your grandmas, your grandpa, and your great grandmas and great grandpa and uncle continue to think about you and love the sweet memories that we have together. We are all just so thankful for those times that you made sure to create amazing and lasting memories with the people that you shared life with. I will be forever grateful that I was your mom and that you were given to me, even if I will forever wish that it was different and that you were here still. I was supposed to go first, you are supposed to bury your parents, you are not supposed to bury your child. I will forever long for a chance to have had that life that was supposed to be, the one where you grew old and took care of me before telling me goodbye. I will forever dream of the day in which I get to give you a hug again, the day in which our souls reunite for eternity, what a truly glorious day that will be my littlest love.
Until I can get to, continue to visit me when you can, but also continue to visit the people that you loved most in this life. Give your friends hope and wisdom in their dreams. Give your sister and brothers the chance to continue to live in world with you. Visit your grandmas, your grandpa, your greatg randmas and your great grandpa, and uncle. But please visit your daddy soon. I can tell he needs it extra right now. I can see the sorrow filling his eyes and although I want to be selfish, I know that he needs you too. Then come spend some time with me, take me back to the place where we got to talk, share memories, and where I got to see you with the other angels. Continue to share your life with me, for it is through those moments and the promise that I will see you again that I continue to live and work to accomplish the most that I can in this lifetime. I feel like I have to not only fulfill my goals and purpose and find the way that I can live my life but that I also need to finish what you started, work towards your goals and purpose, and share the beautiful life that you lived.
(We will forever wish that you were here to be in the pictures with us. We will forever think of you in all of our moments. I loved how funny you always were and that you always made everyone laugh so hard. I hope that these pictures made you laugh, my precious baby girl!)
I'll continue to write you baby girl. I will forever be thankful that you were my final little love and that you were the little girl who perfectly completed our family. We all miss you terribly and can't wait to be reunited with you, but know that we obviously have some work left here to accomplish or we'd already be there with you.