The Waves of Grief
So, I am sure that like me, you have heard about the waves of grief. No one prepares you for what this really means. No one makes you ready for the things that you will feel. There is no way to prepare for when those waves of grief will strike. It can be something simple, a child playing on a commercial or TV show or something big, seeing her favorite cereal on a shelf in the store and knowing that she will never again eat it or enjoy it. The waves of grief roll and toss you about just like you are drowning in the ocean, yet you always end up alive. You are always just forced to live with your grief and pain.
Some days I can look back on a memory and smile. Other days I feel robbed that she was taken from me and so full of grief that I feel like I will die because my heart simply cannot go on when it is so broken, and yet it's beating continues. I feel robbed that I never get to take my little girl shopping for a prom dress, the only dance dresses that we got to pick out were those that she wore to her daddy and me dance when she went on a "date" with daddy or grandpa. She will never get to ride in that limo that she told me she thought would be so fun. I never get to celebrate her turning double digits, she was so excited for her next birthday (which I now know will be one of the hardest days of my life). She will never get to go through the 4th grade promotion ceremony, never start jr. high, never dance in her competition that she had prepared so hard for, never go to high school or college, never have me hold her while she cries from her first broken heart (and I will never feel that longing to beat up some teenage boy for breaking her heart), and so many more things. It is so hard not to be angry when I think about these things, so hard to not scream and believe that God has forsaken me. So hard to try and understand why God would make me live the rest of my life on earth without my sunshine, without my beautiful little girl who was such a big part of my world, without my best friend.
Adeline loved Disney so much. I am so thankful that we got to take her to Disneyland on her 5th birthday and that we all went to Disney World the year before COVID-19. I know that Shane had wanted to wait, but I am so glad that we did not wait. I am so glad that we took the time to take her to a place that she loved so much. She wore her Mickey Mouse ears daily at the park. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and enjoy and savor these memories together just a little bit longer. I miss that sweet girl so much!
Nothing can prepare you for the pain of losing a child. That pain hurts so deep and it is the literal worst feeling that I can ever imagine. I don't think that I will ever feel physical pain again. I know that my body is in pain. I suffered from chronic pain for years, but since her death I have felt no pain. The other day I actually stubbed my toe and the nail bent back and I felt nothing. I didn't feel the pain that I expected. It's like my body is still numb from the trauma.
The worst is all of the regrets that you have. I regret every night that spent away from her. In a sense it is good that I could not foretell what would happen because I would have never let anyone else spend time with her. I would have been so selfish if I had known that my perfect little angel would leave this earth so soon.
Another thing that you can't be prepared for is how losing a child will affect your other children. Althea lost one of her best friends. They would laugh and giggle and they would stay up later than they were supposed to laughing and giggling. Oh, what I wouldn't give to hear them laughing and giggling way past bedtime and to yell across the hall, "girls bedtime" again.
I've been talking to the kids about how much the blog is helping me. I have offered them the chance to share their stories. I have been told that they aren't ready. I hope that one day they can face the pain to keep these special stories and moments alive. I know that it is hard to talk about the dear sweet sister that they miss so much, she was the sibling that each one of the other kids felt closest too. However, I know that not talking is not going to help them move on, but will only prolong the pain that they feel.
I think back to these days at Disney, the laughs and giggles, the funny moments where Adeline would say something that left me dying laughing, the little things that made the biggest impact on us all. I miss her so much. I would literally give anything to have my sweet Adeline back and I regularly beg God to give her back to me, knowing that this can never happen.
I found this amazing picture today. This was our Adeline, so full of life, so funny and always looking at Althea and Huxley to see what she needed to do to be like her big brother and sister. She also was so fond of Andrew and they had the most special little bond where she would sneak down the stairs to his room and leave him artwork and little things to show that she was not leaving him out, that he was always included in her life, even when he wasn't playing with them. I don't see how their lives can ever be the same and that breaks my heart for them. I know the trauma that I am feeling and I want to keep my kids from ever having to feel such pain.