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  • awalto29

That Was Not What I Had Planned for Today

So, today was one of those days where life was debilitating and where I did not feel as though I could go on. Today I was supposed to go grocery shopping and make a nice home cooked meal for the first time in more than four weeks. Life had other plans. I woke up not feeling well and finally agreed to go to the dr., the dr. sent me to the E.R. where they couldn't really do anything because I was too dehydrated for an I.V. I didn't even know that this was possible but they could not get one in. I still feel terrible but I did manage to keep down some that is progress. I have learned to eat very very slow and I am doing a little better with eating.

(Adeline decided that she as a fashion designer and she cut her jeans into shorts and a pair of leg warmers. I miss all of these little moments and times that I used to spend with her.)

I miss cooking and enjoying the process of getting my food and cooking it. I miss being able to go to the grocery store and find what I want without feeling stress and sadness at the thought of going to the store. I hate shopping now. It is really funny how something I once loved and enjoyed so much is such a source of pain and sorrow. I don't want no do any of these things that I once enjoyed. I just want to be at home and with my kids watching movies and relaxing. I have changed who I am and in ways that I almost don't recognize me. I know that I will see more of me as time goes on and that it is just going to take a very long time...but for now, there are just things that I don't feel equipped to handle or think about.

I can't stop feeling like she should be at any moment Adeline should come running into my room giggling and yet that is something that is never going to happen again. I am heartbroken and sick over the pain that I feel. I feel exhausted. I feel sore. I feel so much and yet nothing at the same time. I don't even know what to write or what to say, I just know what I need to do in order to be. I am hopeful that as time moves on that things will become better for me and that I will find a way to channel the immense depth of sorrow that I feel. I love feeling Adeline's presence around me and so thankful that I have my sweet girl here in spirit. I feel her so strong sometimes that the hair on my arms stands up. Other times I need to really focus in on things and focus on feeling her and those times it hurts more. I hope that I can always feel her near me. I hope that she never leaves me and doesn't visit me in my dreams. I miss her in a way that I did not know that it was possible to miss anyone.

I do know that this song is a love song, but I can think of no better way to describe how I feel right now. She is always on my mind and I miss her so much.

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