Still Waiting....Still Longing
Well, it's been a busy few days. First off, I took my FOS exam last Monday. It is Tuesday night and I still don't know if I passed or not. With each increasing day, I feel as though I have failed and that I am not going to earn my MS. I hope to hear back soon as I am supposed to graduate on Saturday and as of now, I do not know whether to have my family there or not. (I am sharing this cute pic of Adeline that I found on FB today. It is a picture that made me smile and remember all of the joy that I felt when I held my baby in my arms.
I got to finally take Huxley's individual trip with him and it was really nice to be able to do so many fun things together. We drove to Gatlinburg stopping along the way for a few adventures (including Cumberland Falls). Once in Gatlinburg we hit up an amazing arcade and then settled in for the night after a swim. Friday we got up and spent the day at Dollywood and did a mountain coaster on the way back to the hotel. The next day we got up to explore the area a bit on the way to whitewater rafting (which both Huxley and my mom loved!). We did the Jungle boat cruise, Hillbilly Golf, and another mountain coaster before settling in for the night. Saturday we checked out all of the happenings in Gatlinburg. I came home with quite a bit of moonshine, a bottle of bourbon whiskey, and a few bottles of wine.
The longing for Adeline is never ending. I continue to find that coming home after a trip is the time that it hurts the most. It feels as though I am losing her all over again each time that I come home and she is not here. Her bench is in at the grade school, but the company failed to mention that the bench was not assembled. Shane and I are going tomorrow after I am off of work to get the bench put together so that it is ready for her memorial service that the grade school is doing next Monday morning. It all feels so permanent, like I am never going to see her again and it is killing me inside. I have faith that our spirits will one day reconnect but for now, I remain heartbroken that my girl isn't here.
I will write a memorial to her this weekend, the things that I will say to her friends and classmates, her teachers and how I will share her love for Canton and her school. I still don't know what to say. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to beg God to give me another chance to be a better mom to Adeline, to save my baby girl from that fire...even though I know that it can never be.
Last week before we left for our trip, I went to see three of Adeline's best friends perform in their school concert. It was so hard when they sang "What a Wonderful World". That song is one that I listened to and sang with my girl. I can't help but feel that the world just isn't wonderful anymore. It's fine. It's ok. I just don't know that it can ever be wonderful again. How could it ever be wonderful without my little girl?