Some Days She Feels More Gone Than Others
There are days when I awaken to my reality and feel the full weight of my loss more than others, today is one of those days. I got the most beautiful angel holding a puppy from a friend. Knowing that we lost Chandler soon before we lost our girl, this meant so much to me. My friend that gave it to me is someone that I have really enjoyed getting to know as a fellow dance mom. She has been there for me to talk to during my struggles, helped me to have clothes to wear shortly after the fire, and more. She has been just one of the many people who have reached out and touched our hearts in ways that we hope others never need to understand.
(How can so much change in 4 years?? Why does this have to be my life now???? I need her here with me. I need that smile that spunk and tenacity. I just need my Adeline!!! This picture has left me feeling so broken today.....I miss her so much and it feels unbearable to think that I will never again be able to snap a photo of my four children together.)
Today the magnitude of things feels overwhelming. I want to crawl into bed and not get up until I have my old life back. I know that I can't do this, but this is the only thing that my soul desires right now. I want to just have her back and have the life that I lived with her back. I don't know how else to explain this but it is soul crushing to know that I don't have that. Today the two memories that were soul crushing were a video of my girl dancing at Phases of the Moon with her daddy and a picture of the four kids. I know that Adeline will never again be dancing with her daddy here on Earth and I know that I will never again get a photograph of my four children. Of course, we do something special for her in each of our photographs since...whether it be that her tiny unicorn is present or that we hold her picture of one of the stuffies with her face. While it helps a little, it is not the same. Nothing is the same as having my girl here with us.
(She never gets to have another first day of dance class and another new dance outfit again. Oh my tiny dancer how mommy longs to see you dancing again.)
As I sit here sobbing, I know that one day my girl will be in my arms. I finished our area to her this weekend and I love it! It is so peaceful to sit there in the pink and gold chair (her two favorite colors) and think about her and reflect on her life. I feel her presence so strong there too which shows me that she loves it as much as I do. I just want her here. I want her with me, beside me and next to me. I am struggling because I don't know what I am doing with this grief thing and I don't know how I am able to keep going most days, it is literally focussing on getting through the next minute all of the time....and then magically it is the next day when I have to do it all over again.
(Many people do not know this but I regularly ate lunch at school with my little girl. I would eat with her at least once every couple of weeks in Kindergarten. Then in 1st and 2nd grade -- 2nd until the pandemic hit -- I ate lunch with her one day a week each and every week. I miss eating lunch with her, hearing about her day, listening to her giggle, and seeing her with her friends. This has been too much. I don't understand why God would give me something that I am so obviously not equipped to handle. When people say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, that is bull shit. This is more than I can take...more than I can handle and frankly that statement pisses me off more than most. I can't handle life without my girl. I can make it through, I can survive....but I can never thrive or really live again...it is all just a process of going through the motions and doing what I know that I should do and trying to chase things that will bring me joy. Sure I experience moments of happiness, but joy is gone from my life. There is just no joy with my little girl gone.)
Today I take a HUGE step in a few hours and I am scared to be honest. I am afraid of what I might learn about myself and how I might be diagnosed. I am scared of what is to come with my mental health. I am trying to do all of the right things. This morning I started leash training Love Bug and walked with him and my mom. I am going to do my morning yoga after I get done with this blog post. Then at 1:15 I will walk into a new office, a psychiatrist...a type of doctor that I have never really needed to see; a doctor that I desperately need, but don't want too need; a new person that I have to share my story with and share how I am handling life. I had to leave my job last week because working 4 hours a day became too much when I couldn't be productive for three days due to the preparation to be normal when I was there the entire day before, masking who I am the entire time that I was there, and then the day after when I had to decompress and allow myself to feel again. I wanted to work to show that I could do it, but I had to admit that I can't. It's okay for me to admit when I can't do things now.
I focussed this weekend on working on Adeline's area. Here are some pictures that I wanted to share with you all.
I want to tell the meaning behind each thing on this wall. To the top left you will see a turkey. This was her turkey that we took the time to decorate last Thanksgiving during the pandemic while we had school at home. We had so much fun creating a ballerina turkey. Below that is a beautiful canvas that one of her friend's moms made for the funeral (I am not sure who exactly made this but my guess would be Shelly or Shelly, Holly, Jamie, and Carley together!). Next you will see a big picture of her with words on a canvas. This was my birthday gift from my parents and it has her favorite "Sweet Adeline" by Avril and the Sequoias lyrics and an adorable picture of her standing in front of the bathroom door in our old home. Below that is the Mother's Day butterflies that Shane made with her when she was littler. Next you will see a small tree of life hanging with a unicorn that was gifted to us from the talented Kymber Diekhoff of Twice Upon a String. Below that is the Christmas tree that Adeline and I decorated the very week before the fire.
There is a pink chair and it has a pink unicorn blanket on it. The unicorn basket on the floor has journaling supplies so that I an sit in the chair and write in my journals. The table has a fountain that I am sure that she would have loved. The next wall has a Bob Dylan poster from the very last concert that we went to with our girl.
Next to the poster, you will find a unicorn dream catcher....a gift from someone after the fire and to be honest I have no idea who sent us this one. My memory is a fog and a haze for some things and unless I kept it with the card, I honestly don't remember much. This is a beautiful treasure and it fit perfectly into this space....so if you are reading this please know that I am forever grateful and that it is a perfect way to celebrate her. Next to the unicorn is a motivational sign to remind myself to keep going. Then below that is a cool vintage unicorn chalk ware that I had to have when I saw it because I know that my girl would have loved it. Below that is a canvas of her Hester the Cat painting from school. Next you will see one of my favorite unicorns that she made. We called it Butthole Unicorn and it hung on our fridge for months before the fire. Then below that is the certificate from her star that her Uncle Scott, Aunt Maya, cousins Chloe and Penny got to honor her. Then you will see her artwork from school on another canvas and a little reminder to myself to try and change the world as a way to best honor her.
The shelf is a memorial shelf to her. The top features the birdhouse from the parent's grief retreat, the jar where I keep the coins that she sends me from Heaven, a cute unicorn plate that my mom got me because it reminded her of something Adeline would have loved, and the birdhouse that we created together during the family retreat. The next shelf has a diamond art unicorn that I made with Althea, an angel that Shane found when we were antiquing and thought that she would have loved, the same glasses and case that she wore all of the time while doing online school (these are the not exact pair because I don't know that those were recovered from the fire, but I bought the same ones), a sign that Althea made while crafting with my mother in law before her celebration of life, a toy that she had played with all of the time that I found while antiquing (we had the replica of this one before the fire), the Dumbo that she painted with me at a paint place, a unicorn ornament just like heel last gift that we gave her before the fire, and her two favorite Disney movies...Dumbo and Bambi.
The next shelf features a photo frame that my brother got for us, a unicorn that the kids picked up with Shane at an art fair with a black light, and a photo frame that I picked up because it reminded me of her. Then the bottom shelf has the guest book with stories about her from the celebration of life, two photo books that I have made since the fire, her yearbook that has a tribute other, her journals and notebooks, and a few things that she had survived the fire. Then there is a a unicorn that my niece made for her celebration of life and the gift from Zappos. I still have more things that haven to been unpacked or unboxed yet...but I will have the top of the credenza to add more things to.