I am so thankful that so many friends and family are reaching out with little treasures. They are sharing videos and photographs with me that I have never seen before. They are sharing things with me that I didn't know existed. It is so wonderful to see all of these different sides of you. To see the things that I wasn't present for and to know just a little piece of you that I hadn't seen. At 9 we were very close for a mommy and a little girl. I knew most things about you. These moments when we were not together were when we went to church and when you went to school.
Huxley's best friend's great grandma has been a very active part of his life. They have done so many things together and he spent so much time over at their house over the years. Grandma B is the name that all of the kids have called her, especially when we went to church together. She was your Sunday school teacher and she had videos of you when you were little. Here is one where you were singing a little song. I love that your personality shines through, that you do the motions but that you look just a little bit bored. I guess the church songs are not quite as active as the concerts and live streams that you were used to at home.
This next one was during a lesson. Apparently, you had liked to hide under the table. I love that you get down on the level of the characters to look at them. I love that you focus on these characters and are trying to see the world through the eyes of them rather than just looking at them from above. This was one of the things that you always did Adeline, you always cared to look at things from an empathetic point of view. You never just looked at the world from your point of view, instead you tried to understand people. You were so wise beyond your years. This lesson is one that I try to take forward with me. I try to be more a little more empathetic and a little more caring about those in the world that are around me. For a nine year old, you sure have taught mommy a lot of life lessons.
I am doing better day by day. I will never be the same and I know that. I will never not have a longing in my heart and soul for you. I will never not want to wake up and have the days that you have been gone a nightmare, that maybe I am stuck in a coma or something else horrific, that maybe it was me all along and I am somehow just clinging on to life on the world, when I am really gone. I know that this will never bet the case, but these are the things that I hope and dream for. I guess that I should clarify better, I don't just lay in bed and sob in the mornings. I don't scream and sob all day long. Instead, I tear up here and there and I cry in the showers. I am able to do things and talk about you without crying too hard. I am able to listen to stories about you and watch videos of you. I am able to sometimes focus on the good memories rather than focusing on the tragedy that has become my life. All of these things are gnawing on me from the inside, but they are not the main focus of my life.
Oh Sweet Adeline, I wish that this call be different. I wish that you were here with me. I wish so much that I had made different decisions and that you were still here with us. I wish that you were my perfect angel who was holding me and giving me snuggles and big kisses, telling me you loved me. I spent the night with sissy and grandma last night and it was so hard to have a girls sleepover without you. I wanted to do it for sissy. I wanted Althea to know that she is loved, that she is never not enough, even though I hurt so bad with you gone. I want her to know that she is still my little girl and that I am glad that she is here with us.