Well, this is probably going to be a longer blog post, but I hope that you will stay with me and read the adventures that have recently shaped my life around me. There has been so much going on that I am not sure where to begin or what to do. Sadly I keep drifting back to the past. Adeline should be getting ready to turn ten. She should be in her final year at grade school and finishing up the first quarter of 4th grade. She should be playing, running, laughing, singing, acting, and dancing. She should be doing all of the things that a 9 1/2 year old does. 7 years ago we were cuddling on the couch that we no longer own with the blanket that the fire took from us. 7 years ago I could not imagine being where I am today. I could not imagine losing my littlest love and I could not imagine my heart being so broken while it continues to beat.
Life is moving forward at a rapid pace. Some days, it feels as though the pace is so rapid that I don't know how I can accomplish any of the goals that I have laid out. There is so much that I struggle with and so many changes that are happening so rapidly around me that I feel overwhelmed and unsure of what to do much of the time.
This past week has been intense. We have had a lot of things going on with the kids. Between games and ballets it was a hectic weekend and then I decided to go to see The Rolling Stones, but more on all of that in a bit. Basically, I wanted to let you know that while I love updating things here. Sometimes life takes over and the blog takes a backseat and I have learned to accept that this is okay.
This past week was the fall performance at Cornerstone Academy of Performing Arts. Althea performed as a beautiful dragonfly. I am continually impressed at how she is able to continue growing so much as a dancer. We are in the midst of starting private lessons so that we can continue to see this level of growth. We are also homeschooling her after an incredible amount of bullying that made school an unsafe environment for her. Huxley is happy in school and I feel torn, knowing that if there is a problem or concern that the school simply doesn't care and trying to allow him to stay where he is happy and has a lot of friends. The ballet performance was really great. I have always loved watching Althea dance and know that her future will be bright as long as she continues to work hard and has the same work ethic that she had before the fire. I see that work ethic coming back, but obviously it has been hard for her to be in the studio where she spent so much time with her sister.
On Saturday while Althea was getting ready to dance, I took Huxley to his football game and enjoyed a nice long talk with my football mom friend who I will call M here. M has been such a support system for me navigating things in the school and being an awesome partner to take our boys to and from football practices. The best part is that she lives on the South end of our street. (We are on the North end.) Huxley made a few plays and did a great job while playing. Then we ran to Triple Dipple's in Chillicothe, IL to grab some cheesecake before going home. The cheesecake was definitely as good as everyone claimed.
I have to take a quick minute to thank everyone who continues to think of me and my family through this journey. It is so hard. I was gifted a beautiful angel with a puppy and it immediately made me think of Adeline with Chandler (our dog that we lost a few months before losing our girl). I wanted to show a picture of that angel which was gifted to us by our good friend Mary and her family. Along with it you will see a stone that my mother-in-law, Adeline's grandma Sherry gifted us, a stone from my Grandma Dorothy (who Adeline lovingly referred to as Grandma Dot) and Uncle Brad, and an angel statue from the two of them as well, a cross from our good friend Shawn.
Sunday was the day that I was able to experience a 32 year dream of being able to see The Rolling Stones live. I am still trying to fully process everything that I felt during that show. I have been to literally hundreds of concerts and shows in my lifetime. I have seen a wide range of performers including those who are not in my general type of music. The Rolling Stones' music has been a constant in my life. It is the music that I grew up listening to and is the music that I will continue to listen to until the day that I leave this earth. I was lucky that my friend Daneen went with me and that we were able to score some last minute tickets for a reasonable price. I had purchased a ticket a few years back (prior to COVID) for Andrew and he was there with my dad, but we were not near each other and I didn't get to see him there!
There were moments during the show when I had tears in my eyes and I don't think that I ever lost the goosebumps that were on my arms. The show was simply amazing and likely the best concert that I have ever seen. Hopefully I can catch them again later on this tour with the kids and Shane this time as everyone needs that experience in their lifetime. The setlist was amazing. (I did not create the setlist graphic below, it had been shared on Facebook and I could not find the origin. If I can I will update with a link.)
A couple of weeks ago, I did something that was incredibly challenging and hard for me. I took the steps to getting the mental health help that I need and saw a psychiatrist. I know that most people would not publicly admit to this, but let's face it...I am not most people. Going to the psychiatrist was surreal feeling. Admitting that I could not heal myself with yoga and other things that I have tried was hard as well because I wanted to be able to be better on my own and without trouble. When I thought about going to the psychiatrist one song that was part of my soul journey kept coming to mind. Phish's "Army of One" is a song that has time and time again met me where I was on this journey of grief and loss.
Here are the lyrics for those of you who are curious,
"Northern dilemma, call of the cold
The arms of the arctic begin to unfold
Sit in a circle facing the sun
Get what you can now, winter is on
Turn on condition, never dig deep
Solemn reminders as groundwaters seep
Into foundations, centers of joy
To weaken and crumble, search and destroy
Light up the city, hiding so strange
You'd better take cover, it's love at close range
Oh solo mission, cover of dark
Army of one now, don't let down your guard
Sit in a circle facing the sun
Soak it in while you can, winter is on
I got no answer but you got no call
I just can't compete with the weight of it all
Silent treatment, stone in the rain
Bright, shining doorway, try to remain
Northern dilemma, call of the cold
The arms of the arctic begin to unfold
Sit in a circle facing the sun
Soak it in while you can, winter is on
I got no answer but you got no call
I just can't compete with the weight of it all"
Losing Adeline was such a dark time for me and having to hold onto the memories of her hurts so bad. This song reminds me of everything that this journey has been. So, I had Shane write me some of the lyrics, the lines that say "I got no answer but you got no call, I just can't compete with the weight of it all." for a tattoo. I now have not only the love of my life's handwriting on my body, but lyrics to remind me of when I was at my lowest and darkest point in life. I had to get help and there is a part of me that feels so weak. There was a part of me that didn't want help, but rather to fade into oblivion. However, I have three children who are here on Earth that need me to live. They need to experience life and they need their mom. I hate that I can't fade into oblivion and be with my littlest love. I had a special bond with Adeline that was different. For years I thought that this was because we were meant to have a special relationship. In hindsight, I think that God gave me those memories and that extra patience with her so that I would be able to hold onto that when she was meant to leave the Earth far too soon (in my eyes). I know from reading the Bible that we each have a time, a day that God has predestined us to live until, but I still can't grasp or understand why this had to be my little girl's time...why I could not have at least had her until adulthood, to have more cherished memories and to be able to share in more joys of life with her.
So, I got the tattoo and the constant reminder right in front of my face of where I was and where I need to climb up from. I am hopeful that I can do something amazing one day to honor Adeline. I am not sure what that will be, but I do know that there are many things in the world that are needed to make it a better place and that if I just do one thing and help one person have a better life that it will be a way to honor my girl.
I've been working on getting organized this week. On having a plan and a schedule, on making regular posts on here, journaling daily, writing a letter to Adeline each and every day, starting a Bible study for myself and starting a Bible study with the kids and Shane, getting my yoga instructor training completed, practicing more yoga, and getting my schooling completed for my MS. I need to be able to accomplish the things that I set forth to accomplish and I need to finish them both. Then I will be able to seek out employment that will work with me...whether that be my dream job of working adjunct to teach History and teaching yoga classes for those suffering from trauma and grief. Only the future holds what will happen, but I am excited to find it all out.
If you are like me and suffering from grief, you will have to figure out what is going to work for you. For me, there are things that help and I know that when I do them my mental health is better. I believe that you can find what works for you too. Also, my new friend M has been inviting me to church since this summer and I finally went this past Sunday with Huxley and I really enjoyed it. It's different than what we went to before and obviously doesn't have the people that I cherish so much, but it's very close to home so a good option for us when we can't drive to Canton and so that we don't have to drive to Canton every week.