There have been so many things happening in life since I last wrote a blog post. I am struggling and I know that people mean well when they share how strong that I am....but I will repeat this again...I AM NOT STRONG!! I feel like shouting this from my rooftop...like screaming for anyone that will listen. I am not strong. I am not strong. I am not strong. I am so close to the edge. I am hanging on by one fraying and pulling thread. Life is so hard and I feel overwhelmed, sad, and ill prepared for the life that I was handed. I feel like I am constantly spiraling out of control, but apparently no one else sees this. Everyone seems to think that I am well and that I am doing okay when in reality I am not. It is okay. I know that I will power through, but when I hear that I am strong it pushes a button in me that doesn't need to be pushed. Being strong is sucky. I don't want to be strong. I really just want my precious little girl back on earth with me. I know that this is selfish as I know that Heaven is better than here...but I want her. I need her.
(Six years ago I was celebrating her last day home with me before starting preschool. Little did I know that this memory would carry so many smiles a short six years later or that she would be gone in so few years. No one expects to outlive their child, but losing a child before they were allowed to grow into an adult is a special kind of hell full of wonder...what would she have been like, would she have liked our new house, our neighborhood, would she have enjoyed her new school...so many questions that I will never get the joy of having answered!)
This past weekend was an amazing weekend full of laughter and fun with my girls. I love them so much! Amber, Daneen, and Bobbie took me on the most amazing weekend to Osage Beach. There was so much laughter, laughter until my stomach actually hurt. At no time did that laughter overpower the longing for my girl, but it felt so good to have that...to power through and enjoy my time with my ladies. It was nice to laugh and I know that Adeline loves to hear me laugh. She was always making me laugh when I was on earth and the one thing that I know is that she would have wanted me to continue laughing without her here. She was so full of life, love and laughter.
We got to chill at a condo...experience some new things...which I will share with you. We got up and left early Friday morning and had a beautiful and scenic drive through the rolling hills of Illinois and Missouri. We laughed, talked about the things that had been happening in each of our lives, and connected in ways that you can only connect with those who you love the most. Ladies...you are my people. I hope that none of you ever know how much this means to me...I would never want you to feel the pain that I feel and have felt over these past 8 months and 11 days. It sucks, but I am so lucky to have you here on my journey with me. You have held me up when I felt like I could do nothing but fall. Those hours you spent sitting on the floor in front of my girl while I was saying my last goodbyes are hours that I needed someone more than I would ever want to admit and you three stepped up to the plate.
One of the things that we did was a float tank. Let me start with telling you that sensory depravation is not something for those of us with ADHD. I felt bored about 2 minutes in and discovered all sorts of ways to make the imagination tank entertaining for myself. In the future, I would only choose a couples float so that I had someone to share in my laughter and didn't feel crazy acting out my synchronized swimming fantasy while laughing to myself. So, there was that. I was in a silly mood, a mood that I had not been in for over 8 months, a mood that I didn't realize that I missed so damn much.
I am not unrealistic. This chapter of my life will never end...it will continue forever. I will never be 100% happy again, but I never have to feel guilty for laughing or enjoying life. One thing that I am certain of is that Adeline would want me to enjoy life. I can feel her so close to me so often and so much of the time I feel a smile when I feel her. I can hear her little raspy voice sharing a story with me, see her eyes get big when she would get to the part that she thought was funny and hear that infectious laughter. My girl was beauty, grace, and happiness. My girl was the most special human I have ever known and without her I am forever lost...that doesn't mean that I will forever not enjoy life, it means that my life will never be the life that it once was. What I am learning the most through this all is that it is okay.
My dad's cousin laid to rest her beautiful daughter today. I wanted to tell her that it would be okay, that it would get better...but I know that it won't. I was fortunate in getting to experience what Adeline experienced as she crossed that rainbow bridge. I have no doubt that I would have likely parished in that fire if it had not been for the police officers who would not let me go up those stairs. While I don't understand, nor will I ever understand why I am the one alive and why she had to leave this world so soon....I will forever spread her love, her happiness, her laughter, and the stories of her with everyone that I meet so that I can forever have that sweet girl in my heart. She is always with me and I am learning to live with her with me in this new way, a way that I would never have wanted to face.
Losing a child is something you will never get over. It is something that is so full of pain and so full of heartbreak and heartache that it is hard to explain. Each person is on their own journey and each person reacts in their own way, but as a mother who has lost a child, I am here to say that it does not matter how you grieve. Your journey is your own.
Today and every day moving forward I am going to work on me. I am going to work on being better than I was the day before and in carrying through Adeline's legacy and leaving the world a better place in honor of her.