The past few weeks we have been doing things that we would have normally done, but sadly our angel is not with us and her presence is missed every single second. Two weeks ago we went to my cousin's grandson's birthday party in Southeastern Missouri. I visited with my grandfather and we took my mom with us.
Five years ago we were on our way to Colorado. I will never forget that trip because it was when we still had our mini van and I rode in the third row with Adeline all the way to Colorado.
Then we went to a concert in a cave in Southern Illinois. This was a really cool experience and we got to see Keller Williams, Leftover Salmon, and Sam Bush. It was so much fun to see the concerts at the cave and there was even a waterfall to watch while you were there. I couldn't help but cry a few times as it was so obvious that Adeline was not with us. Our family is just not the same without her here. It sucks to be blunt. It is awful to not have our girl here with us. Her presence was so strong and she always had a smile on her face and was the first to laugh and joke.
While we were gone, Adeline made her presence known. We saw a cardinal and a bird pooped on my leg. The kids told me that they know that this was Adeline because she would have thought the best part of the night was me getting pooped on. Man, do I miss that sweet angel with a passion that I don't even know how to explain.
(One year ago today we were watching a movie cuddling in my bed....I miss movie nights with my girls. I miss everything about being with my girl. I can't believe that I will never again have another movie night like this one where we watched Scoob for the first time!)
The day after the concert, we decided to visit the Shawnee National Forest and Garden of the Gods State Park in Illinois (yes, I know that there is a Garden of the Gods in Colorado as well). Being in nature makes me happy. I feel like I can feel Adeline's presence stronger outdoors than in a house or building. It makes me want to be outdoors, constantly connecting with nature.
I'm working on getting back to focusing on my health. There are so many things that I have been lax with and I have not been doing the things that are good for my mental health. I took a break from writing, while writing is the most healing thing for me, it also forces me to confront the bad. This means that I have to push my way through the pain each time that I write...both here and in my journals. So, I find that it is a struggle that is constant with trying to heal but not wanting to have to go through that pain...which keeps me from always being willing to focus on things. I notice that the two go hand in hand as well. For instance, when I am doing what I need to in order to heal my soul, I am also doing what I need to do in order to get healthier....but when I stop doing what I need to mentally, I find that I eat a bunch of crap that I don't need...that I am constantly getting sick and that my gut is just sore.
This weekend, I sent Shane to Colorado for 4 days and 3 nights to spend time with his friends. For Father's Day I wanted to do something to allow him to have fun, get away from the stress of a crazy & sad wife, and three kiddos who are also dealing with a lot. I wanted Shane to be able to take time for Shane and to just really have a nice time. I am so happy that I was able to resist the urge to text him like I normally do. I sent a few texts but mostly was able to stay away from the phone. I even told him one morning to stop texting me and to just have fun.
(We are at the Ryman here!)
I decided to take the kids and my mom to Nashville for a couple of nights. We got to do quite a bit. I was even able to get in my full three hikes this past week. This makes me so very happy. (I hiked Monday, Wednesday, & Sunday last week!) Traveling without Adeline was so hard, but I know that this is something that I need to do for the kids to have the best possible life. The kids have had to adjust to a completely new life. This has been so hard for them and I need to remember that they are still here, that they are still alive, and that I need to do this.
Finally, I am starting a new health challenge. I have some goals for this and will hopefully be able to update in the future with a little bit about how my life has changed while I have been on this journey to my health.
I am just not sure where to go from here to be honest. One day I will be fine, able to get out of bed and seemingly okay until something reminds me of her and I feel weak in the knees and have to step away to silently sob. Other days I wake up expecting her to be here with me, expecting to be able to go and give her a kiss, and yet there I am stuck without being able to do anything. Everything seems so hard. These are the moments when I don't feel like I have the strength to get up, the moments where I beg God to change my life, to go back in time, to make this all some sick and twisted bad dream. I can't keep living like this and yet I will never be able to live not like this. So, I feel like I am stuck in a perpetual state of everything being too much! I just want my perfect life that I had before. I knew that it was perfect too. I knew that what I had was good. I NEVER wanted anything more than to live until my kids all graduated from college so that I knew that they would be okay.
(Two years ago we were picking green beans at our CSA. I miss these types of moments with my girl. While picking green beans might not seem like the greatest thing in the world, these moments that I got to spend with Adeline were...they were each amazing and unique and every single second of her life was so precious. I just wish that there was more that I could have done....that she would still be here with me!)