So today my friend Carley took me to get a massage. It was so good for the soul to have some type of normalcy for part of the day. There were moments when I was able to relax and I feel so good and refreshed. I am so thankful for the opportunity to have such an amazing day and for a friend who literally drug me out of my hotel room and then had me go shopping with them. I didn't really buy anything, just a sports bra because Huxley has been wanting to work out at the hotel.
I still miss Adeline with ever fiber of my being, but I can smile and have a good day now. I can laugh and joke and not feel guilty for laughing and having a moment of enjoyment. I was able to really focus on the things that were happening around me. It was nice to feel normal for a little bit. It was nice to enjoy something for a while.
So yesterday I had a pretty unique experience that really shows me that Adeline was with me while I was looking for shoes. I needed tennis shoes (again, to work out with Huxley) and went searching for them. I went to the shoe store and the doors were padlocked shut. I looked to see what was nearby and there was Target and Ross. I don't shop at Target anymore and will write a blog post about it later and explain why. As for Ross I had not been there since we went shopping for Adeline's back to school clothes in second grade.
The thought of going into the store made me feel as though my throat was tightening and I felt my pulse quicken. I walked in and immediately went to the shoe area. I went to my normal size 7.5/8 and tried on shoes. Every single pair of 7.5s were too small and every pair of 8s were too big. I felt something tell me to go down the next isle and I thought that maybe a pair of shoes was put up in the wrong spot.
As I walked, I stopped in my tracks when I saw a pair of Pumas. These shoes were the same color combination as Adeline's favorite tennis shoes that she had purchased in the same store just 17 months before. I picked them up and felt a wave of sadness as I looked at them as they were a size 9. I have never in my life been able to wear a size 9 pair of tennis shoes. That being said, I felt like I just had to try them on. I was a little afraid that I would burst out in tears of disappointment, but I knew that I had to try. So, I did. I put them on and they were a perfect fit. It was as if they were made for my feet.
All I could think of was Adeline's favorite tennis shoes. Here she is wearing them. I zoomed in so you could see the color. I had actual goosebumps when I saw the shoes because I knew that she would love them. Hey sweet Adeline if you are reading this, I want you to know that there is not a second that goes by where I do not think about you. Just because I am not crying all day and sad does not mean that I am not thinking about you. My thoughts about you don't stop. I love you with my entire soul and I am so happy that I got to be your mommy. I just wish that you had been with me longer. Until I see you again sweet girl, please know that mommy loves you. I am always looking for the messages and signs that you send me and I am ready to accept anything that you throw my way.
So Carley, thank you so much! You made my day a good day and helped me to work through some things by helping me handle some of my grief.