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  • awalto29

Seeing the Worst in People

Today has been eye opening to say the least. Governor Pritzker is getting ready to sign a land mark civil rights bill and protections for people against the police in Illinois. I am proud to be from the state, something that I can't often say. I am happy with the bill. If you disagree with me and hate it that is fine. We can still be friends, I can keep scrolling and you can too. However, when you choose to attack me there are bigger issues.

(This picture was taken on a better day in a better place in a better time that feels so far away from where I am today. I just want to go back to these sweet moments and have my girl on my lap cuddling me and telling me she loved. She told me she loved me so much and we shared so many heartfelt memories together. I can't believe that I am having to go on without her and not a day goes by that I don't wish that I would have been the one that was taken and not my beautiful and perfect little girl.)

I have noticed a gross trend of humanity since losing my angel. I am sickened by the number of people who seem to have literally friend requested me to spy on my tragedy, to know more about my life and to pass their judgement about things. It actually makes me feel sick to my stomach to be experiencing these things. Just because we think differently does not mean that we need to attack. I have been called uneducated (laughable in my opinion if you know me). This is clearly false as the main thing that I do in life is read and research and try to learn. Just because I think that police brutality and the mistreatment by police of those who are in minority populations needs fixed does not mean that I am uneducated. I am sorry that you cannot find it within yourself to actually try to learn about anyone else, but this does not make me a problem.

Today one of these tragedy seeker friends reared their ugly head and chose to call me a number of things and attempt to attack my character because I do not agree with her. At first, I will admit that I wanted to tell her what I really thought about her. I wanted to go off and really make her understand how upset that I am that she would friend request me in a time of tragedy to later try and find her own joy out of my sorrow. However, when I thought about how miserable and sad her life must be to make these choices to attempt to find happiness, I decided instead to wish her well on her way her way out. I clearly stated that I think that her opinions and the things that she is saying are gross (I could have said a lot worse but I was trying to be kind) and then I moved on and addressed anyone else who might have ill intentions and might still be "friends" with me. To be honest, I did not typically accept friend requests from people that I do not know, but during my hour of tragedy at the time when I was in shock, apparently I accepted every single friend request that I received.

I commented on a news post that I was proud to be living in Illinois. Of course this set off the masses and one gentleman named Eugene Mattecheck Jr., whom I would have linked the profile to but after I responded he blocked me, told me that it was karma that my daughter died for being a hateful person. First off, not one comment that I made was hateful or mean. I didn't say anything other than the fact that black and brown skinned people are more often incarcerated for crimes that they did not commit; are more likely to be victims of police brutality; etc. I stated fact and did not judge anyone or say anything that could be construed as hateful. Anyways, he told me that I deserved to lose my daughter rand that it was karma. To you sir, the first thing that went through my mind was that I hoped that you would have to deal with this same personal hell one day so that you could truly understand the level of pain that I am in, but then I stopped and thought about Adeline. My sweet girl wrote a journal on her last day of school to which she stated "Even if you don't like me, I like you and will miss you." Instead of being angry, I answered in a raw and honest fashion and told this man that nothing would ever warrant a parent losing a child. I went on to tell him that I would not even wish that fate on him or someone that I had great disdain for because the pain is just too great. What I have a hard time understanding is why the man was so cruel to a stranger and why he tried to hide behind Facebook as the catalyst for his cruelty. If I were not the person that I am, a comment like this could have derailed me and sent me over the edge. It could have caused me to do something that would have harmed someone. It could have caused me to harm myself. Instead it reminded me that the only way to make the world a better place is to truly move forward in love and acceptance of others.

After this had happened I saw a passive aggressive post from a long time friend about how she was disgusted by the comments on the news' web page. I will admit that it might not have been a personal attack but seeing that my comment was the one blowing up with replies on the news post, it felt like an attack. I know that I am overly sensitive right now, but it sure is hard not to be sensitive when you are living with the things that I am living with. I am living with a constant pain and sorrow and the greatest guilt that I could ever know because I was unable to protect my baby and save her. She died because of a few decisions that I made that ultimately were the wrong ones. I will take full responsibility for that. I had gotten her out of bed and had her on the stairs with me. I rushed ahead not thinking for a second that I would not be able to get back to her if she needed me, but I couldn't get back to her. I couldn't save her. There are several things that I could have done differently that would have resulted in her being here with us and I live with that every single second of every single day. I will NEVER be able to forgive myself but that is my cross to bear.

I have never felt the need to force friendship. I have never felt the need to pretend to be friends with someone who wasn't my friend. Few things in life have hurt me but this situation did a little bit because I thought of this person as a true friend. It was quickly revealed to me that she was not when she couldn't have a difference of opinion and be my friend. I posted clearly that she could unfriend me if what I said upset her so much that I was not going to change my opinions for anyone. I have long disagreed with this "friend" (I will use the term loosely here because obviously even if I considered her a friend, she didn't really consider me one.) on things but I always just pushed them aside. Sometimes we had great conversations where I expressed the side of an argument and why I thought the way that I did and I was able to hear her side and why she thought the way that she did. I thought that this was where we were at until today when it was so easy for her to dismiss me out of her life. I now know and let's be honest, I am thankful that I now know the truth. If you are reading and trying to think up a way to tell me that I am not your friend, then forget about it. It is okay. We don't have to be friends. I am better off not wasting energy sharing in your joys, not sharing in your life if I am not wanted there. I am better off not being in a situation where I am putting forth effort on anyone who is not doing the same for me. I am okay with the way that things ended, but there was still some hurt on my end. Hurt that I am not worth more than a difference of opinion, but in reality there is no surprise. I have often found myself friends with people who I have not been worth enough to accept a difference of opinion.

Today I am so thankful for the friends that I have. I am so thankful for those who think differently than me who are willing to look into my heart and know that I am intentional in my attempt to make the world a better place through love. I think of Adeline and what my sweet girl would have done and I know that being a better person and being kind of others is what I need. It is free to be kind. It is free to offer love to others. You don't have to agree with everyone, in fact I don't know that there is any other person in the entire world who would 100% agree with me on everything, but that is okay. I can be friends with those who think differently. I can be supportive of those who think differently. I can show love to each of these people. In the end, this is all that there is to offer to the love, kindness and gratitude for the things that I do have.

The world will never feel right again. I need a hug from my girl more than anything else in the entire world right now. I know that I can't have this but it is the one thing that I need to make my day truly better. I pray that I somehow feel her in my dreams, that I can sense her presence and move forward with her helping to navigate and guide the course of my life. I made a promise to Adeline on the day that she died that every choice that I made from here on out would be with her in mind. I want to do great things, teach others, and accomplish the dreams that I have that I was able to share with my girl. I talked to Adeline about my goals and what type of life that I wanted to live and she helped me so much even though she was al little girl. Adeline was the best friend that I will ever have. The one person who supported my dreams and hopes and truly believed in me regardless of everything. She is the one person that was on the Earth who I felt could understand and get me and without her I feel so lost. I feel so alone even though I have many people around to support me, I just feel completely engulfed in the grief and pain that I feel without her here. She was such a big part of my world that I want to honor her in some great way. I still don't know how this will come to fruition but I do know that every breath that I take, I will be taking it with the desire to do more for others and to be better than I was before.

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