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Saying Goodbye

First off, I need to state that I 100% know that Adeline is not in her body. I know that she is in Heaven and that there are so many amazing people up there taking care of her until I get to be there with her and hold her in my arms. That being said, today is the last time that I will be able to touch her earthly body, the last time that I will be able to physically see her until I get to Heaven to be with her.

I also know that this is not my fault and that Jesus called her home. That being said, the enormous amount of guilt that I felt because I could not protect her. I could not get her out. I have so much guilt for not being able to save her. I can't help but feel like there are so many things that I could have done differently and she would still be here alive with me. (Again, my soul tells me that this is not true and that I would have lost her in another way, but my mind keeps going.)

I don't know how to say goodbye to her body. I don't know how to tell her sorry that I could not protect her, the only job that I should have had as a mother. I have written her a letter that I will read to her today. I am asking God for the strength to get through this letter because I want Adeline to know that I tried to be strong and that I want her to hear my voice tell her the things that I need to say this one last time that I can physically see her and touch her hand on Earth.

Faith has always been hard for me. I like logic. Death has always been something that I have feared. Today I sit here knowing that when I die, I will be able to hold Adeline in my arms again. That she will be waiting at the pearly gates to welcome me home. I have three other children to live for, but when the day comes and death is knocking at my door, there will be absolutely no fear.

Today, I sit here writing with the strongest faith that I have ever had. I have faith beyond measure, because without that faith I would never be able to see my baby girl again. Please God please, I pray that my baby doesn't feel like she is missing me for too long. 2 Peter 3:8 says, "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." The fact that she will not feel like we are separated for years, the fact that it will feel like a short time, perhaps a day at school or a few hours at a playdate is making this all a little easier.

God, I am trying not to be angry. I am trying to understand your greater purpose in life. I am trying to believe in your plan. I just can't understand. Please, please, please, send me some type of sign to explain why my baby. Why you couldn't have taken a murderer or a really bad person? Adeline was innocent, a beautiful soul, and the literal light of the lives that she touched. I know that she was too good for this Earth and I gain strength from the fact that she lived the happiest life. I just with that I had been able to have more time with her.

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