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Saying Goodbye

First off, I need to state that I 100% know that Adeline is not in her body. I know that she is in Heaven and that there are so many amazing people up there taking care of her until I get to be there with her and hold her in my arms. That being said, today is the last time that I will be able to touch her earthly body, the last time that I will be able to physically see her until I get to Heaven to be with her.

I also know that this is not my fault and that Jesus called her home. That being said, the enormous amount of guilt that I felt because I could not protect her. I could not get her out. I have so much guilt for not being able to save her. I can't help but feel like there are so many things that I could have done differently and she would still be here alive with me. (Again, my soul tells me that this is not true and that I would have lost her in another way, but my mind keeps going.)

I don't know how to say goodbye to her body. I don't know how to tell her sorry that I could not protect her, the only job that I should have had as a mother. I have written her a letter that I will read to her today. I am asking God for the strength to get through this letter because I want Adeline to know that I tried to be strong and that I want her to hear my voice tell her the things that I need to say this one last time that I can physically see her and touch her hand on Earth.

Faith has always been hard for me. I like logic. Death has always been something that I have feared. Today I sit here knowing that when I die, I will be able to hold Adeline in my arms again. That she will be waiting at the pearly gates to welcome me home. I have three other children to live for, but when the day comes and death is knocking at my door, there will be absolutely no fear.

Today, I sit here writing with the strongest faith that I have ever had. I have faith beyond measure, because without that faith I would never be able to see my baby girl again. Please God please, I pray that my baby doesn't feel like she is missing me for too long. 2 Peter 3:8 says, "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." The fact that she will not feel like we are separated for years, the fact that it will feel like a short time, perhaps a day at school or a few hours at a playdate is making this all a little easier.

God, I am trying not to be angry. I am trying to understand your greater purpose in life. I am trying to believe in your plan. I just can't understand. Please, please, please, send me some type of sign to explain why my baby. Why you couldn't have taken a murderer or a really bad person? Adeline was innocent, a beautiful soul, and the literal light of the lives that she touched. I know that she was too good for this Earth and I gain strength from the fact that she lived the happiest life. I just with that I had been able to have more time with her.

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Dec 27, 2020

Amanda, I want to assure you that your beliefs are true. My brother was in an accident 12 years ago and was in a coma for four days. Every day of that coma my grandfather who is in heaven took him to a “park like” setting where he met and talked to all of our deceased family members. He can still to this day remember word for word every conversation he had with everyone. Everyone was healthy and happy ❤️


Dec 27, 2020

Beautiful Mandy. Praying so hard for the family today to be able to be strong and believe she is smiling that precious smile and wrapping her angel wings around the entire family.

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