Reminders of My Sweet Adeline
One of the things that has really started happening for me is that I have looked and searched out constant reminders of my Sweet Adeline. One day it is a box of candy in the store, the next it is the smile and giggle that she would have when she drank a coke after seeing my own coke. I tend to choose the things that she enjoyed now rather than avoid them. I ate a few small Reese's hearts last night and didn't cry, but enjoyed one of my favorite candies that was also one of hers. I also chose the white cherry flavored Gatorade yesterday, it was always my favorite and her favorite. I wasn't sure if I could ever enjoy one again after losing her, but I did make that choice and I was able to drink it without crying. I know that these are small things, but these baby steps show me that I will be able to enjoy life and enjoy the memories of her from time to time...even though that hole in my soul will never be filled until I am with her again.
Then other times, a picture, a song, well, pretty much anything will be like a crushing flood that is killing my soul. My soul will hurt. My body will hurt. Everything within me will hurt with a longing that I have for her. That is how I woke up this morning. I woke up again thinking it was all a dream and wanting to scream when I saw the walls of this room around me and realized once again that I have to face another day without her. Today is day 23 and it is too much to even begin to fathom the pain that I feel and how I will move forward at the moment. I am learning that it is okay to feel this way. I'm learning that through my pain, I can still live, I can still do the things that I need to get them done and I can still acknowledge the pain, but that I can also live. This is the hardest thing to do. My soul feels so torn between living for Shane, Andrew, Huxley, and Althea and wanting to be with Adeline. I can't imagine these feelings ever going away, but I do know that I will learn how to live through them. This is something that is so hard for me, something that I desperately wish was different. I don't want to live without my girl.
My Sweet Adeline, I miss you so much. I am trying to be my best as I know that this is what you would have wanted, but some days I just don't feel like I can be the best. I feel like I am failing and I feel like I am never going to be the mom that I was before. Well, let's be honest baby girl, I know that I will never be the mom that I was before, but I am hopeful that I can learn to laugh with the kids again, that I can one day enjoy a holiday without the overshadowing of that longing that you should be here enjoying it with me. I don't know that I can ever celebrate a new year again, because it signifies another year that I have to keep on living while you are gone. I don't know that I will ever be able to enjoy Christmas or any holiday for that matter, but I am going to try. I know that this is what you would have wanted. I know that you would have wanted me to experience joy, but right now joy seems so far out of reach that I don't even feel like I can try. We picked up your death certificate yesterday and I did find comfort in the fact that you passed from carbon monoxide poisoning and smoke/soot inhalation. I had assumed that this is what happened, but I could not be sure until I saw that terrifying piece of paper. It is so hard to imagine that your life has resulted in a flood of memories, lots of pictures and videos, a small box, and that single piece of paper. I know that daddy and I will never be the same as we will never stop loving you and longing to have you in our arms. We both tell each other that when we get to Heaven that we are going to take you into our arms for eternity and never let go. As the tears flow, I know that I will never stop longing for that touch, that hug, that sweet kiss, that smile, that laugh, that voice telling us that you love us and just hearing you say mommy or daddy would be the most amazing sound for us both right now. There are moments where I feel like I need you or I won't be able to go on and yet as my body keeps living, my soul continues to feel as though it is dying.