This will always be one of my favorite and most cherished photographs and the memories that are attached will always be memories that I live for and long to recreate (although this will never happen).
There are many nights when I am doing something and I feel the overwhelming urge to remember those simple moments with Adeline. Tonight I am watching TV with Althea. We started the show that we are watching when it first started, before the fire. It was one of the times when the two of us would sit alone and have some special time. I had shows and things that Adeline and I watched together too. Having special time with Althea reminds me of the special time that I am missing out on with Adeline. I know that this might sound bad, but there are days when I am so sad about not having these moments with Adeline that I shy away from them with the other kids. I am trying to be better and have been taking lots of time with Althea, Andrew, and Huxley to have special moments with them.
I am overwhelmed at the moment. I packed for our grief retreat today. It was one the very hardest things that I have ever done. I am overwhelmed at what packing was like and thinking about the fact that we are going somewhere to talk about how much that we miss our precious girl. I am so sad that we have to be going on a grief retreat to begin with. Life should not be this way. This was not the dream. This was not the plan. Life was supposed to be the six of us, not just the five of us.
I am hopeful that the grief retreat will teach me some helpful coping skills. I got the schedule. We will have a group session tomorrow night after dinner. This is where we will meet other parents who have suffered the same fate of losing their child. I am heartbroken to think about how sad and filled with sorrow that I am and that I am going to meet other people who are just as sad and filled with sorrow. This is going to be hard. I don't want to think about anyone else going through this pain. Friday there is meditation, yoga, massages and a couples session. We have some down time and there are rocks and birdhouses that we can paint in remembrance of our girl. On Saturday there are crafts, a group session, and a chef comes and we prepare a meal and then eat together.
I had to choose something for the tribute table. I was overwhelmed with picking something as well. I have a book that Shane made me for Valentine's Day, a canvas, and a photo album that were given to us at the funeral. I am devastated that we even have these things, these stories, and these memories of where our things came from. Adeline was so loved and to carry forward with her love is hard. She was an amazing little girl that I can never fully describe. She was just my Sweet Adeline.