I guess I knew that I would be broken after losing Adeline. From the moment they looked at me with tears in their eyes and said I'm sorry, my heart broke in ways that I did not know was possible. My very soul and every fiber of my being was shattered. I was broken in ways that I did not know that it was possible to be broken. I remember sitting in that hospital room and wondering how I could possibly keep living after losing so much of myself and my life in a few short moments.
Since losing Adeline, not a day has gone by that I have not felt intense emotional turmoil, hte pain of knowing that I screwed up and didn't save her has been so much to bear. There has been a day in thep ast 1,364 days where I have not wished so much that I could make different decisions that morning, where I would have waited and held her hand and went to help with the door after getting her down those stairs rather than thinking she would come down them so eaisly alone. That blame and heartache is like a cancer, cutting me to my core.
I will do well for a spell, lose weight, start to feel better, start to feel healthy and then I will self sabbotage it every single time...gaining back nearly all of the weight that I lost and just destroying myself by binging in part, I believe, because i don't think that I am worthy of anything good.
It's almost been 4 years since I last shared fries and coke with her at McDonalds on December 18, 2020 and I still have not gone since. It has almost been 4 years since I last heard that sweet voice tell me that I was the best mommy in the whole world as she cupped my face in her hands and gave me a kiss. It has almost been 4 years since I got my last hug. 4 of the longest and shortest years of my life. 4 years of my life that I feel for the most part like I have simply survived and been unable to actually live.
Sure, I've had some accomplishments and for the first time in my life, I love what I do for work and am proud of where I am, but the negative self loathing for not saving my girl has been almost too much at times. It is hard to keep pushing yourself when you feel like you are the reason that someone, especially your child, has died. However, I keep pushing and trying for my family...for Huxley, Althea, and Andrew first and foremost. Then for Shane, my parents, my brother, and those friends who I sometimes feel like I can give helpful advice to.
Some days I am so mad at myself that I have not started a charity or done something bigger and more grand to honor Adeline, but I still have no idea what we could do. She was 9, she wasn't old enough for a scholarship to make sense. She never really had struggles, just friendships and joy. There is so much of her that was good and daily I still feel like I fail her in so many ways, but I hope she is proud of me still. I hope that she sees my struggle and knows that I keep trying as a way to honor her and her memory.
The weird thing is...I know what helps me. I know that journaling and blogging are two of the things that help me the most and yet when I struggle they are the first two things that i walk away from. I also know that food can be medicine or poison. I know that when I am eating the way that I should, avoiding processed foods and chemicals that I feel my very best and yet here I am struggling to stop eating the worst junk food, literal poison to my body. I feel it in my bones. I have more physical pain and yet it is as if I believe deep down in my subconscious that I am not worthy of anything but this pain.
I will be honest with you. I don't know where to go from here, but I do know that I am a fighter. One of my goals moving forward is to take the time to write in this blog, to start a wellness journey blog where I can be accountable and really share what the journey is like, the struggle to stop trying to kill myself through food subconsciously and the fight to thrive in a life that has become so hard to live.
I see my blessings around me in my home, my children, my dream mid-century brick home, my dream job (and I'm surrprisingly actually good at something for the 1st time in my life), and so much more....but I know that I am not being appreciative enough for those things and I know that I have to be held accountable in some way. So, here goes my attempts to put my life back on track....once again for those who have been around for a while. I know that it is not an easy journey and that there are going to be pitfalls along the way, but I am determined to make myself accountable, to start writing more and doing the things that make me thrive, and to stop allowing myself to sink further into a space where I do not need to be.
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