As I sit here in my room, working on homework and putting together photo gifts for Valentine's Day, I am flooded with memories of my girl. As I placed each photograph carefully in a frame or within an album, I was brought to tears. I wanted so bad to have her run into the room laughing and to hear her sweet voice. I wanted to celebrate each memory with her. I wanted to talk to her about the things that she would have been doing and I wanted to hold my girl. I sobbed over and over again. I went to the gym, came home, worked a little bit more and sobbed. I would give anything to have my girl back living with us and having the life that I had always dreamed of.
You see, I always knew that I wanted a big family. I always knew that I wanted multiple children and two little girls was my dream. I told Shane when I first met him that I did not feel like our family would be complete without two little girls. He even told me when we were first together that he had dream about me being on a beach with two little girls that looked like that. This was the life that I had. It was the life that I felt that I was meant to live. It was everything that I had dreamed of and everything that I have ever wanted. It is now all gone and so much of that joy and that dream has been taken away.
Adeline was the perfect final piece to our family's puzzle. She was everything that we had been missing before she was born. We had thought about having my tubes tied after Huxley was born and then when I was supposed to get it done, Adeline was on the way. I was so excited when I learned that I would be welcoming another little girl into our lives. I was even more excited as she got older and became so much like me. She was my mini and it was so fun having someone who got my quirkiness and had endless inside jokes with me. I will never forget that she loved to call me "Lady Gaga" and when I would question her as to why she would tell me it was because I was crazy like Lady Gaga. LOL! I laughed and laughed.
I will also never forget that smile, the way that it felt when she reached her little arms around my neck to give me a hug, or the sweet sound of her little raspy voice. I am so broken and lost without her and I beg God each day to show me the reason, to have let this past seven weeks be a bad nightmare and for me to have been in a coma or something so that my girl could be okay. Yet, each morning I wake up and know that this is not the fact and that I will forever be mommy to Adeline who left this earth just fifteen days after she turned nine years old.