Nothing Can Prepare You
So, I know that I am writing a LOT lately and I don't mind if you don't read all of my posts. If you are not reading them all, I encourage you to read the happy posts and to skip the ones like this one where I am processing through things.
Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child. Nothing can make you feel like losing a child is ever okay. I will forever hold Adeline dear in my heart and will always struggle to focus on life after the fire. You see there was Amanda and now there is Amanda after the fire. I know that the two will never be one, I will never be the me that I was before. I am forever changed and changed in a way that is full of heartache and pain, a way that has fully been immersive in my struggle to try and create a new level of normalcy for our children.
There are things that you are not expecting after losing a child. These are just some of them.
I never expected to look at a Q-tip and sob knowing that I will never clean her little ears again.
I never expected to take a seat in the HyVee candy isle staring at Sweet Tarts and sobbing, but I have been there.
I never expected a box of Lucky Charms to make me hyperventilate at WalMart.
I didn't think that passing little girls clothing would ever make me feel so sick that I thought I would throw up, even from a place where I NEVER purchased her clothing.
I never thought that I would see such looks in others' eyes when they looked at me. There is a look that people give you because they feel so bad that you are living every single mother's worst nightmare. That look is something that you can't be prepared for.
I never thought that I would sob myself to sleep and wake up and then immediately start sobbing again.
I never thought that the heart and soul could hurt so bad that you forget how to breathe and have to remind yourself constantly to breathe in and breathe out.
I never expected to lose my youngest at the age of 9, I still have trouble accepting that she is really gone.
I never thought that I could feel such a depth of sorrow and yet still have glimpses of joy at the same time.
I never expected to have such terrible longing and pain in my soul.
I never thought that holding a blanket could give me so much comfort, but I am constantly holding the blanket that she used the night before the fire.
I never thought that I would carry an old cell phone around with me, but her phone is forever with me.
I never thought that I would carry a dirty mask that has boogers on it as a form of comfort, but her mask that she apparently sneezed in is with me all times.
I never thought that a tiny unicorn stuffy would forever have a home in my purse, and yet her little unicorn that we found in the car can never leave that space.
I never thought that I could live without her, but here I am living while she is gone.