Not in a Good Place
Life has been a lot lately. I have a lot of deep harbored regrets and lots of anger over things and it seems to all be coming out now. I am upset with everyone and sometimes I snap when I shouldn't. I can't be around people for the most part. I do okay some days but others I want to run away and hide from everyone. I want to cry and scream and most of all I just want to be here and present but without the pain that I feel. I feel pain all of the time. I am always sad, always full of sorrow and loneliness. I feel so alone and like nothing or no-one can fix that. I need something, but I don't know what it is that I need or who I need...most of all, I need to find who I am after this tragedy that has become my life. All I really want it to be with my girl and I can't have that so I don't know what to do at all.
(While this might be a bit vulgar for some, this was a cute one to me. She was talked to about the content. It was for a special political ad. <3)
I have dreamed of having a career and being able to do something that I not only enjoyed, but was good at. I waited all of these years to go back to school so that things would be perfectly timed for when Andrew graduated from high school and I could relocate for the right job, a career. I waited until now so that I could stay home with the kids and spend time with them and raise them rather than having a daycare/babysitter with my children more than I was. Regardless of how much I want a career now, I have ZERO regrets with staying home all of these years and having that time with my children. However, now I don't know what to do. Everything feels wrong. Living feels wrong as does applying for jobs, looking for a new home, etc. I don't want any of these things. I just want my girl back.
I feel so much pressure now. I wish that I could do as the experts say and wait a few years to make big decisions, but that is not possible for me right now. I need to make a decision now. I need to find a job now. I need to find a new home now. I am overwhelmed and don't feel like I can make a good decision and yet here I am stuck with making huge life decisions now, not later.
I know that I am a miserable person to be around most days. I realize that no one should want to be around me now. I have noticed that after therapy so much is dredged up that I feel insecure, raw, and sad. I don't know if this is normal with others, but for me I come home from therapy and am on edge and freaking out afterwards. I am super messed up now. I don't know how to process the feelings that I have let alone anything else. I miss my sweet little girl. I miss hearing her voice, seeing her smile, and everything about her. I just want to have her back where I can hold her and cuddle her and feel her kisses. I would give anything to have those last moments to go back to, to relive them and make different decisions, to be able to save her (and I know that there is a time for everyone to die, but I can't help with thinking that I should have done more for my baby!)
I am really struggling with self blame and with feeling like it is my fault that Adeline died, that I can't be a good mom if I couldn't save my little girl. I got her out of bed that morning. I was going down the stairs with her and I now don't know how I can ever be the same. I don't know how to go on after not taking her down those stairs with me, after not having her here I want to have a reason for her to be gone...even if that reason is that I did not make the right choice. I am not well and I want nothing more than to have my little girl back, which will never happen. I am so beyond broken that I am hurting and don't know how to handle things.
I know that this is probably not the post that you all want to read, but this is the reality of my grief today. I am not okay and to pretend that I am is not going to help me get better. I am so broken, so sad, and so torn between things that I feel completely helpless and hopeless. I need to get myself together so that I can be better for my family.I know that my kids need stability and need me right now but I don't feel that I can give them what they need. I am trying my hardest and everyone keeps telling me to be better for them, but I don't feel that I can. Everyone saying these things makes me want to leave because it makes me feel like I am an awful mom and terrible with the kids. It makes me feel like I cannot be happy or that I cannot make them happy. It makes me feel like complete crap and like I will never be good enough.
I am hurting. Adeline was my person. She was literally the only person that completely understood me. She was the only person who got my quirkiness and fully appreciated me. She was never mad at me, never yelling at me and telling me that I was not good enough, never disrespectful. I am struggling with this. I am struggling with so much. I am not okay and it is okay that I am not okay. It is okay that I am grieving. It is okay that I am not what I was. I need the same grace that I have given to others. I need the same help that many others have been given and I have not. I am struggling so much. I need to make sure that I get the help that I need to so that I can be better.
It doesn't matter how much I tell people that I am not well. Everyone just thinks that I am being a brat or being dramatic. It doesn't matter how many times I reach out and try to express what a bad place that I am in. No one will ever believe what I am feeling. I feel completely alone and I feel like I have no one. I know that I have people around, but I can't ever be real or really express how I feel without it being some type of drama so for the most part I lie and often say that I am fine or I am okay or as good as can be expected. I have perfected the lines of what everyone wants to hear but at some point I am going to break. I can't keep doing what I've been doing lately. I don't want to lie about things being okay. I want for things to actually be okay. I have spent way too many years doing what is expected of me, what I should do, and what is best for everyone else and never thinking about me...at some point I need to matter too. I can't always be the last one to matter.
Here are the things that I would like to have prayers for:
**I need to find a job, whether here or not I don't know. I want it to be in the field of history that I am interested in. This could include a position in politics, a position at a community college teaching, a possible position teaching at a private school (or a public school if I can get a job with a MS), or possibly something in immigration.
**I need to learn to forgive myself for not saving Adeline. I know that there is nothing that I can do now and I do not know if this is even possible....but I think that this is something that I need.
**I need to figure out what I am doing with our future. I need to be able to clearly think about the kids, what their needs are, what our needs are (finances and work), and make decisions that are well thought out (which feels completely impossible since I can't think clearly at all).
**I need help to be supportive of those around me because I know that I suck at that right now. I can barely deal with my own feelings (if you can call what I am doing dealing) and I just don't feel mentally capable of doing more.