My Beautiful Girl Life Feels Wrong Without You
Today I wanted to write a letter to my precious angel. Today I just needed to write a letter to Adeline and I decided that this would be the best way to share my grief with the world. I am not well and I continue to feel as though I am getting worse.
It has been 58 days without you here with us. It has been 59 days since I heard your last giggle as we told you to go to bed. 59 days since I last heard you sing a song or heard you tell me a story. It has been 58 days since I last felt your kiss. 58 days since you last said I love you and I heard you say it to me.
My precious sweet girl, I miss you so very much. Life does not feel the same without you here and I feel like I will never again feel happy. I try to have good days. I try to keep myself busy and I try to maintain some level of normal for the kids. I try to do things that I would not normally do like have people over for dinner, go to the gym, and try to focus on things.
To be honest, I feel like I am failing at life without you here. I have so much nervous energy. I can't write for school like I used to. Reading is a constant struggle. So much of life is just not what it should be, but yet here I am without you here trying to keep going on and trying to keep on living.
I need to see you, to touch you, to hold you. I just need you here with me. I want to go back in time so bad and do anything different that would have resulted in you being here with me. I will forever regret the choices that I made that fateful morning. I will never be able to fully forgive myself or live life completely as I once did.
What I will do is attempt to my best. I will try to be the best mom that I can. I will try to share the stories of you, your happiness, your beautiful smile, and your constant joy. I will be here living and I will try to live life to the fullest just as you would have lived life. I will do everything in my power to make this life worthwhile and to prove that I was worthy to be your mom. I will always love you my sweet baby girl. I will always think of you.
Tomorrow I will be packing to head to a grief retreat with daddy. A part of me is interested in learning how I can heal and yet another part of me feels like healing is letting go of a part of you that I still cling to. I don't know how to do this. I don't know what to say, how to act, how to be. I just know that this is not the life that I dreamed of. I could have never dreamed of a life without you here. I could have never fathomed not having you here with me.
My Sweet Adeline, I love you with every beat of my heart with ever fiber of my being and every feeling in my soul. You will always be my sweet precious angel and I will love you forever and always.
Until We Meet Again Rest Easy My Precious Angel,
(or Lady Gaga as you used to call me)