Oh my dear sweet girl, today mommy misses you so much! It hurts so bad to keep breathing when you are not here beside me breathing the same air. I want to hold you and kiss you, to hear you laughing and playing. I want to hear you running through the halls and talking to your sister way past your bedtime when I have to tell you girls to stop talking and go to bed. I miss you so much my precious angel. I want you back and I want you here with me.
I get your stuffed animals today. I had these beautiful unicorn stuffed animals made that have your face on them. I can't wait to hold it in my arms and hug it and to see your precious face as I hug something. I am a complete mess today. This is the thing about grief. You can be fine one day and a complete basket case of sorrow the next. Today I am the complete basket case of sorrow. I can't believe how sad I am and how much I long for you. I am starting to realize how bad my anxiety is as well. I get severe stomach cramping each and every evening and I believe that it is because I know that this is one more night that I will go to sleep without you here with me and the next day will be one more morning before you will wake up.
Adeline, I want to hug you. I want to kiss you. I just want to hold you curled up in my lap. I want my smoochie moo back. I want my precious baby girl to be here in my arms and I know that this is something that I will NEVER have. As I sit here sobbing, I am trying to feel you. I am trying to feel your presence and your love around me. As I feel you, I feel my tears subside. I feel you near me and I feel a calm and peace that I can't explain as it is a calm and a peace that I have not felt without you since you left.
So much is happening and I have to keep living but it is so hard to keep living without you. It is hard to get up in the morning. It is hard to take a shower. The hardest thing to do is eat. I ate some breakfast this morning for the first time in weeks. I now feel so much anxiety and sadness. I HATE eating because every time that I eat it gets worse. Nothing feels right. I don't want to make decisions. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to do anything some days and yet I have to. I have to get out of bed. I have to force myself to shower. I have to force myself to interact with those around me. I have to do so much. These are all things that I would have normally flew through, but now they take a conscious effort, an effort to do better.
I am so dehydrated and feel so physically ill and week. I try to keep going but I am done by 8 or 8:30 at night and I don't wake up early most days, but instead am sleeping until far past when I should sleep. I am also sobbing all of the time and know that this is causing my dehydration. Earlier this week I went to prompt care and they sent me to the ER. I was too dehydrated for an IV and they couldn't give me fluids. This is what grief is doing to me. I am also losing quite a bit of weight. I am down 28 lbs now and it has been one month and 2 days. I know that this is a quick weight loss but I literally cannot help it. I can't help that I feel so sick. I am eating when I can. If I wake up hungry, the first thing that I do is eat because I know that I might not be hungry again. I NEVER pass up an opportunity to consume something when my stomach will allow me to eat. I just don't often eat more than once in a day....sometimes twice.
Being able to cook has been helpful with eating. I can eat exactly what I am hungry for which is quite helpful for me. I am glad that I have such an amazing husband and three amazing children here with me. I am so thankful as I know that my loss could have been so much greater than what it was. I could have lost another child or I could have lost my entire family...I am just still so sad that I lost my sweet angel. I am devastated by the loss and I feel so heartbroken. I know that Adeline would want me to be my best and I feel terrible and like I am failing her because I don't feel like I have my best to give. I just feel like I can't, no matter how hard I keep trying. I just want to scream at someone and have my precious baby girl back with me.