Missing You So Badly
Oh my dear sweet girl, today mommy misses you so much! It hurts so bad to keep breathing when you are not here beside me breathing the same air. I want to hold you and kiss you, to hear you laughing and playing. I want to hear you running through the halls and talking to your sister way past your bedtime when I have to tell you girls to stop talking and go to bed. I miss you so much my precious angel. I want you back and I want you here with me.
I get your stuffed animals today. I had these beautiful unicorn stuffed animals made that have your face on them. I can't wait to hold it in my arms and hug it and to see your precious face as I hug something. I am a complete mess today. This is the thing about grief. You can be fine one day and a complete basket case of sorrow the next. Today I am the complete basket case of sorrow. I can't believe how sad I am and how much I long for you. I am starting to realize how bad my anxiety is as well. I get severe stomach cramping each and every evening and I believe that it is because I know that this is one more night that I will go to sleep without you here with me and the next day will be one more morning before you will wake up.
Adeline, I want to hug you. I want to kiss you. I just want to hold you curled up in my lap. I want my smoochie moo back. I want my precious baby girl to be here in my arms and I know that this is something that I will NEVER have. As I sit here sobbing, I am trying to feel you. I am trying to feel your presence and your love around me. As I feel you, I feel my tears subside. I feel you near me and I feel a calm and peace that I can't explain as it is a calm and a peace that I have not felt without you since you left.
So much is happening and I have to keep living but it is so hard to keep living without you. It is hard to get up in the morning. It is hard to take a shower. The hardest thing to do is eat. I ate some breakfast this morning for the first time in weeks. I now feel so much anxiety and sadness. I HATE eating because every time that I eat it gets worse. Nothing feels right. I don't want to make decisions. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to do anything some days and yet I have to. I have to get out of bed. I have to force myself to shower. I have to force myself to interact with those around me. I have to do so much. These are all things that I would have normally flew through, but now they take a conscious effort, an effort to do better.
I am so dehydrated and feel so physically ill and week. I try to keep going but I am done by 8 or 8:30 at night and I don't wake up early most days, but instead am sleeping until far past when I should sleep. I am also sobbing all of the time and know that this is causing my dehydration. Earlier this week I went to prompt care and they sent me to the ER. I was too dehydrated for an IV and they couldn't give me fluids. This is what grief is doing to me. I am also losing quite a bit of weight. I am down 28 lbs now and it has been one month and 2 days. I know that this is a quick weight loss but I literally cannot help it. I can't help that I feel so sick. I am eating when I can. If I wake up hungry, the first thing that I do is eat because I know that I might not be hungry again. I NEVER pass up an opportunity to consume something when my stomach will allow me to eat. I just don't often eat more than once in a day....sometimes twice.
Being able to cook has been helpful with eating. I can eat exactly what I am hungry for which is quite helpful for me. I am glad that I have such an amazing husband and three amazing children here with me. I am so thankful as I know that my loss could have been so much greater than what it was. I could have lost another child or I could have lost my entire family...I am just still so sad that I lost my sweet angel. I am devastated by the loss and I feel so heartbroken. I know that Adeline would want me to be my best and I feel terrible and like I am failing her because I don't feel like I have my best to give. I just feel like I can't, no matter how hard I keep trying. I just want to scream at someone and have my precious baby girl back with me.