Missing My Angel So Very Much
This past week has been especially hard for me. Being in quarantine with Althea has given me so much time with my girl, time for us to bond, time for us to talk and share together. We started some special grief journals, have been talking about Adeline, and I have learned so many things that Adeline told Althea like that she wanted to be the first one to pass so that she never had to live without anyone that she loved. While this is sweet, I am so so sad that my girl is gone and that she is not here with us. I feel like my eyes will soon be swollen shut. I have cried and cried and then cried some more. Things feel so big right now, things feel so out of control right now, and things just feel so much more than I would ever think that I would feel.
So, I ended up catching COVID-19 from Althea. I knew what the risks were when I was taking care of her but after losing Adeline just a few months ago when Althea wanted me to cuddle her and sleep with her when she had high fever, I took those risks. I did not want her to feel that bad alone, so I did what I had to do as a mom. The only real problem with this is that I am now in some physical pain along with the mental pain. If someone were to ask me to describe COVID I would tell you that I am lucky. I am having a very mild case as I was fully vaccinated, but if I was not vaccinated I think that this would be complete hell. I have a headache and have lots of pressure in my head because of sinus pressure. I feel like I have the worst sinus infection that I have ever had. Then there is the very stiff muscles and sore joints. All of these things happening at once are a little hard to take. I hurt pretty bad, but in reality know that I am so much better off than others who have had the virus.
In addition to not feeling the best, I am EXHAUSTED. I know that people who have had COVID have said that they are tired, but I don't think that you can understand this level of tire. It is like waking up after just a few minutes of sleep after a very long day to just do it again, but then realizing that you have slept most of the day and are still that tired...feeling as though you did not sleep at all.
I am so ready to be able to spend time with Andrew, Huxley, and Shane. Andrew will graduate next Friday and that is going to be the first time that I see him. It will be the first time that I get to give him a hug in about a month. As for Shane and Huxley, it will be a long time before I am able to hug them too. This is actually the longest that Shane and I have been physically apart since we met. I know that this might sound silly to some of you, but when you are used to always being around someone else and they are not there, their presence is missed in ways that are unexpected.
These past few days the longing for Adeline has been intense. I can't help but think about from the time that she was just a baby that if I was sick or had a headache that she would be with me and sharing with me. She would be holding my hand, reading a book in bed with me, or watching TV in bed with me, always telling me how much she loved me and how she was hoping that I felt better. I wish that I had this so much. This is the type of thing that I have been longing for in the past few weeks. I have simply been longing to hear her voice, to feel her love and her presence physically next to me, and to have her there to hug and kiss me. I have been missing every single second that she is not here and lately those seconds seem longer and harder to bear.
We were supposed to be traveling this weekend to make my first Mother's Day without my girl a little easier. Due to the COVID mishap I will be alone with Althea on Mother's Day. The family is supposed to come over and eat out in the yard while we stay on the porch, but that is still not the same as actually being able to spend time holding my kiddos, getting hugs from them, or being able to really just cuddle my husband. Since we didn't get to travel and it is definitely time for the kids to have a little weekend away, I am making plans for us to travel while Shane is having some guy time in Colorado. I am planning on hitting up Nashville and Muscle Schoals with the kiddos. This should be a nice adventure for me to take with them, leaving after Shane gets dropped off at the airport and coming home before he gets home so that we can pick him up. I just know that after no Mother's Day trip that I will be sad when he is gone after I have had to go this long apart. So by taking off for the weekend, I won't think about how Shane is not here with us.