This week has been painful and rough and hard. There have been some exciting things happening. We finally ordered everything for the new house...washer and dryer, range and range hood, fridge, floor tiles for the living room/hallway, and our bedroom. I ordered all of the new bedding, the curtains, special unicorn stuff to create my yoga/meditation area, some accent pieces, a couple of pieces of furniture. It's going to be my eclectic dream when I am done. I am so excited to be able to share the pictures with all of you who are taking the time to read my blog.
While this has allowed me to feel some excitement, there are quite a few things that I am not feeling. I am not feeling as happy as I feel that I should feel. I just can't help it. I am so sad without my girl and picking out things and not getting to decorate for her too makes it even harder. We ordered frames for our posters, all of the things that we need except a couple of small and local things that we need to grab at the stores around here.
First, I want to say that I am very thankful. I am very fortunate to have a beautiful home that I am getting to create my dream space in. I am just filled with sorrow that Adeline will not get to enjoy this area with me. I have some creative ideas for the pieces that I have from Adeline and there will be a space in our living room where her art will be displayed and a unicorn shelf for her things. I am so happy that I get to have her in my space and see her in our new home. She was quite the amazing little girl and while her absence will never be gone, it is nice to feel some part of her when I walk into a room. I even have unicorns coming for every single room in the house. That way, no matter where you are, you will be able to look and find a unicorn that represents her..
Life continues on, no matter how much I do not want for it to. I am really loving my job at The Balanced Bee. I am a Worker Bee and I help with cold press juice production and sales. It is a great little place to work and no matter how busy I am, I feel very zen as I am working. This makes the job a perfect fit after everything that I have been through. It is so nice to be able to have an environment that I can look forward to going to. I can focus completely on what is happening in our area and from there, I am able to completely focus on the things that I enjoy!
I am working on one paper today and then one of my three classes will be completely finished. I am also working on my yoga instructor training regularly, trying to work on focusing more on my health and wellness (doing a one day juice/broth cleanse today!), and trying to get out and get moving regularly. Sadly, I threw my back out moving things this weekend, so I am pausing with the summer hiking that I have been enjoying so much. I am going to hit my mat outside this evening as the sun is setting and get in some much needed yoga. I need to make some of these things more of a priority than what I have been doing lately which is sitting around crying and feeling sorry for myself.
I know that grieving is okay. I am fully okay with my journey of grief. However, I also know that I have three living children who need their mom to try and be the mom that she was before, the mom that had fun with them...the mom that laughed with them, the mom that was silly and the first to make a fool of herself. I just need to be the mom that I have always been meant to be.
The other kids are doing well. Andrew gets his schedule put together tomorrow for his first semester of college. I am interested to see how that goes. Althea is performing in The Little Mermaid ballet this week. Huxley continues Kuk Sul Won. Althea finishes up the 2020/2021 dance season next week, the very last dance season that Adeline will ever be a part of. This is an immense struggle for me. It is hard to think about everyone moving on, moving into a future where Adeline is not a part of the life that is being lived around us. It is so hard to imagine going on and moving into new things and to think of the fact that on Sunday it will have been 6 months without my girl. Half of a year will have gone by in which I have not seen her smile, heard her giggle, or felt her kiss. I don't know how to explain what this is doing to me on the inside, but it is not good. It is a hard time and I am trying so hard, but yet I feel as though I am constantly falling. I feel as though I cannot be good enough at these things that used to come so natural.
No one can prepare you for what a loss like I'm suffering with from losing my sweet Adeline. No one can make you understand what this is like, how the pain is going to feel, what you are going to want to say, what to do, how to live, how to go on. No one can make it better. Nothing can console the sorrow that you feel. You don't ever get past these feelings either. You just learn as time goes on how to live through the feelings, how to take the moments that you need to grieve, and how to tell others that you might cry and you might not be okay but that it is okay that you are not okay.
That is the greatest lesson that I have learned.....it is okay that I am not okay.
So, moving forward we have so much going on. Lots of small plans with friends and some big plans with those closest to us and our families. We have Althea's performance to look forward to this week, next week Shane has planned a night away as my anniversary gift from him (I am so excited with the surprises that he has in store for us!), then it's 4th of July, July 7-11 we will be at Faith's Lodge for the family grief retreat, then 2 nights in Minnesota, 5 nights in South Dakota, 1 night in Nebraska, 5 nights with family in Kansas, and 2 nights for Adeline's celebration of life. So much will be happening and so much planning needs to be done and to be honest, I am not the planner that I once was. Guess, that means that I need to get back on writing my paper so that I can do a little Celebration of Life planning, and making my lists for our travels and for the Celebration of Life.
Please, if you have any extra love....please send it our way. The 6 month date from losing our girl and Father's Day both fall on this Sunday. I have been a craptastic wife after planning my Father's Day gift to Shane and sending him to Colorado with friends a few weeks back, I forgot to get gifts from the kids! Oops! So I am doing some last minute ordering today in hopes that I can expedite shipping and get things in time. (Ugh....that really just came up on me fast while I was mourning and having a really hard time with life!)
I guess I forgot to hit publish a few weeks back when I wrote this....better late than never.