Learning to Dream Without You
I had big dreams and big plans before the fire. I had applied to UC -- Berkeley for their PhD program. I had plans to become a professor of history and wanted to be the best that I could be for you. I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted your dad to be proud of me, your grandparents and your brothers and sister. I wanted to make everyone happy with my choice to better myself and have the career that I had dreamed of for so long. Now, I don't know how to dream. I don't know how to think of a future that you are not in. I don't know how to be a mom anymore. I don't know how to move past the fears and depth of sadness that I feel. I want to be all of the things that we talked about. I want to be the professor that you told me I would be good at being. I want to be the very things that I told you that I would be.
I want to dream again. I want to have a future that is as bright as it can be, knowing that it will never be fully bright because you are gone. I want to pursue a PhD. I want to become a professor. I want that future for myself and for your legacy. I want to make you proud. I want to be the mom that I was before for your siblings, while still being able to keep your memory alive. I want to be the best mommy that you could ever imagine. I want to make everyone happy and have a house that is filled with laughter. I don't know that we will ever have that gain and it is killing me on the inside. My dear sweet Adeline, I need you to guide me and tell me how mommy is supposed to go on. I need you to tell me how to live again. I need you to show me how to be a better me. I need to be the better me that I was after you were born. You made me the best person that I have ever been. I can't imagine being anything other than sad now. I can't imagine that I can ever be the person that I was before and that I can ever move past the big feelings that I am having.
The state of the world is causing a ton of chaos and problems in my life. I am struggling mentally listening to all of the sadness and problems that are around us. I am devastated that the world is becoming such a strange place that doesn't feel right. There are fleeting moments where I can accept that God took you before you were just too good for this world, but then I get angry. There are mommies and daddies who don't want their children who have them, evil people that do bad things that are still alive, and I want to know why my perfect sweet little girl had to be the one that was taken. Why?? I need to know and I need answers to move on. I need for God or you to show me why you had to leave.
I love to watch this video of you. It makes me smile. I love the sounds of your laughter and to watch your beautiful smile. I miss all of those moments of listening to you play and hearing your laughter outside of my window while I worked. I miss being able to walk out the back door of our house and hear you playing. I miss everything about the life that we had. I want it back so bad and have a longing to rewind time. To go back to those last moments and make different choices that would have saved you. I need you Adeline, I need you more than you could ever know and yet I know that you will never be here with me again. You will never again hold my hand. I will never again hear your laughter or see you smile on earth and I can't bear those thoughts. The pain is so big and yet I know that I will endure that pain for the rest of my life.