It's My Fault....Self Blame, Another Pain We Don't Talk About
I can't help but blame myself with the fact that Adeline is not here on earth with us any longer. I know that it is not my fault. I know that it if it was her time that it would have happened no matter where we were and there are much worse ways for her to have passed. I know that I did not cause the fire. I know that I did what I had been taught to do in order to save her. For some reason, that time, that one time in life Adeline did not follow her sister and I. She had always followed us before but this time, she didn't.
I have replayed those moments in my head over and over again when I got her out of bed. I could have held her hand. I could have put her in between Althea and I. I could have set her out on the roof. I could have done sooo many things to change the outcome of those moments. The fact remains, I couldn't save her. There is a purpose and a plan that God has. There is a greater good that Adeline's life was meant to serve and we have to cling onto that faith or there is nothing left for us to cling on to.
Each of my kids is exhibiting some of this same guilt. Althea has asked me why she didn't hold her hand or send her before her as well. I have told Althea that she cannot blame herself. There is no way that we could have known what was to come, there is no way that we could have began to understood that would happen...but I believe that Adeline knew. I believe that she knew that something was going to happen and was going to happen soon, but she just did not know what.
Huxley has told me that he wished that she would have gotten to stay at grandma's with him...that he would have asked her. In a way, I am glad that something didn't happen to her with my parents....I would not have wanted them to feel the way that I do right now. I would not have wanted anyone to feel this way. I reminded Huxley that it was okay that he went to grandma's alone. I reminded him that it was okay that he was there.
Andrew has told me that he wished that he wouldn't have been screaming help me. He knows that I rushed out of the house worried about him and what was going on with him. He thinks that had I not been worried about him, I would have been able to save her. I know that I wouldn't have and that in the end this might have cost both of our lives, not just hers.
All of that being said, how do I get over these feelings of guilt? How do I keep reminding myself every second the there will be something that will come later and that when this happens, I will understand. I will know what God's purpose is. I will be able to hold my sweet angel again one day when I get to Heaven and that is a day that I both want to happen, but don't. I want to be reconnected with Adeline one day, but I know that there are three kids here who need me to want to live. They need me to want to be their mom until the day that God chooses for me to go. They need to know that they are worthy and that they are enough, that while I am mourning the loss of my sweet Adeline, that they are the thing that is keeping me going, that their love is the thing that is powering me on through this darkest hour to look for a ray of sunshine in the middle of these darkest clouds.