Well, I have been awful lately. I will admit that when my grief is big, I struggle to do the things that make it better. I have missed writing about my girl, but have honestly felt so overwhelmed and sad. I don't know what to write about some days, but others it feels as though the words come pouring out. Lately, I have felt some writers block when it comes to writing about me and my life. I think that the expectations of people who are grieving makes it sometimes hard to share the truth. Lately, it has been rough in so many ways and it feels as though it is getting worse.
One of the biggest things that I have noticed since losing Adeline is that I am able to better sense when things are not going well within myself. I know that this might sound odd, but let me explain it to you. I have a lot of anxiety and mental health struggles. I always have. However, since losing my little girl, some days it feels as though I can't do anything right. I feel like I should have saved her and the longer it goes on without her, the more that my mind feels confused and the angrier that I become with myself.
I always feel better after I blog and share about her life. Perhaps this is the reason that I don't blog more often. Perhaps I feel as though I deserve to feel bad. I think that a lot of my decisions have more to do with self punishment for the one thing that I feel is so unforgivable and that is not saving my little girl.
I want to scream and make everyone listen to me. I want to do anything to just have my little girl back and I know that it can never be. Some days I feel as though maybe I am really in Hell and that I have died and that my eternity will be forever having to live away from the little girl who was the littlest love of my life. I am so broken and I miss her so much!
Shane and I are trying to work on connecting when we are together. We are trying to sneak away for little local concerts and things when we get a chance. We are also trying to save money for some upcoming travels and such. The kids seem to be doing well. Andrew is getting ready to finish up his sophomore year of college. I am so proud of him and all that he is accomplishing. Althea is finishing up her freshman year of high school and I am so impressed by the human being that she is. Huxley is as active as ever and finishing up 7th grade.
Lately I have been working as a long-term substitute covering a maternity leave through the end of the year. There are days when it is really hard, but then there are days when I feel as though I am exactly where I need to be. A student recently opened up about losing his own little sister when she was just two. The pain, that I saw in his eyes as he spoke, was something that is so familiar as I have seen that same pain in my own children's eyes. The missing and longing seems to only get worse.
Some days I struggle to remember what her arms felt like around my neck, to feel the weight of her as she hugged me tight. Adeline gave the best hugs and if you ever got a hug from Adeline, I am certain that you remember. She hugged with the love from her whole heart and you certainly felt it. Other days I feel as though she is next to me and that I have just made the biggest mistake of my life, the one that ended up with her gone.
I know that I have to keep pushing on. I know that I have to keep trying to be my best. However, some days it hurts so much. It hurts to have to go on. I see her friends celebrating birthdays and school activities, falling in love with new things, and discovering new friendships and I feel like she was cheated from living the amazing life that she would have lived. I feel as though my entire family was cheated from being able to see her grow up.
Many times, I almost feel as though I am not real. I feel like I am watching someone else live a horrible and painful life but then it dawns on me that it really is my life and I really do have to keep going on without my little girl. It all hurts so much and I long to reconnect with her.
However, I am so lucky to have three healthy children here with me. I get to watch Huxley play football this Sunday, after having to miss last weekend's game. I get to take Andrew back to school and go to a board meeting for the Moms Association there. I get to spend each day at lunch with Althea when she comes to my classroom with her friends. I also get to spend the time in the car with her talking and learning about the things that she is excited about and passionate about.
I am so lucky to live the life that I live. I know that Adeline is waiting for me when I cross that bridge. I know that she will find me and hold me tight and I feel as though I will never let her go. I need to be better about blogging and keeping everyone updated with the life that we are living, to share my grief and let others know that it is okay.
No matter what happens in life, the one thing that I am certain is that there has to be something better after all of this. This simply cannot be all that there is. I feel Adeline's continued presence too strongly for this life to be it. I know that some days I feel as though I can actually hear her when I am in the car and I believe that this is because our souls were so strongly bound to one another. I believe that I am hearing her in those quiet moments when I am alone.
The summer will be here before I know it. We have 3 weeks left after this week. 3 weeks until we get to spend more time as a family. This summer there is not a ton going on. I plan on taking Huxley for a few days on a trip, likely doing a theme park and some hiking. I am just not sure where. Then I will be going with Althea to her dance intensives at Indiana University. I am so exited to be there with her and to be able to share that experience watching her grow in new ways as a dancer.
We plan on hitting up a Phish show with the kids and exploring a new state and place. Then Shane and I are highly considering going to some concerts and spending some time traveling and exploring places that we have never been before. I love getting to see new things with Shane and being able to explore the history and oddities of these places that we visit.
We are not going on a big trip this summer because we are planning on going to Costa Rica over Christmas break. We are not 100% certain that this is where we will go as I will check pricing later when flights have been released and will work to find the best deals for the holiday, but we are going somewhere warm and international over Christmas and the New Year. I have to get away and frankly, I want to do something with the kids that is unlike anything that we have ever done before.
I also have recently been accepted into a few adjunct pools and am so excited at the prospect of getting to teach college level history. I can't wait to be able to work with my students and learn new things and grow with them. Plus, if I don't have a full time job by the time that Huxley is a senior, I will be able to apply to PhD programs and will find ways to grow as a historian and academic.