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It's Always the Little Things

The things that hurt the most are the little things. Seeing a memory and thinking back to a moment where I had so much joy that has since been replaced with sorrow since you have been gone. I was thinking about our travels, the times that we spent together in the house, and so much more. I miss each and every one of those moments that we shared together.

Today the first cry came from seeing these baby pictures on Facebook. Eight short years ago, when Adeline was one she was getting to experience some of the joys of feeding herself. She was eating strawberry applesauce. I miss that smile and giggle so much. I can sometimes still hear it if I close my eyes and listen hard enough, but I want to hear it in the room with me. I want to hear it as I hold my little girl.

I know that I have to at some point learn to live without her. This actually terrifies me more than the great pain and sorrow that I feel now. I don't want to ever forget about her laughter, her smile, the things that she said or did. I want to cling to each and every memory for I know that we do not get to make new memories with my baby girl. I know that I can never have new feelings with her.

There are so many things that I want to do right now. I want to lay in bed and just think about every moment, every memory that I can from her 3,303 days on Earth. I want to hold onto my girl and never let her go. I want to go back in time and save her. I wish that I had done so many things differently in those last five minutes. I will never be able to fully forgive myself or move on and I know that I am going to carry these feelings within myself for the rest of my days on Earth. I just want my girl back and wish like anything that there was anything that I could do to get her back..

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