I had so many hopes and dreams for my four children. I had the biggest hopes and dreams for each of them to achieve the things in life that meant the most to them and the things that would have allowed them to live their best lives and be their best selves. I feel completely hopeless lately in that I don't know how to do this life without my littlest love. In a few days, nine months will have passed since I last hugged, kissed, and felt my girl alive in my arms. Nine excruciatingly painful and horrific months. I wake up most mornings still not realizing that she is gone. I awake with that same hopefulness that this has all been a bad dream, the worst kind of nightmare and then I realize that the reality is the hopeless pit of Hell that we are now living in.
(This week is the Canton Friendship Festival....all of the memories from this carnival are popping up and I miss these moments so much. I remember people saying that time would fly by and that I would one day wish that I could have slowed it down. I am there. I wish that I could have slowed it down, that I could have savored every single moment with this little angel of my mine, that I could have spent every second breathing her in...her scent, the way she laughed, the way she sounded....some days I feel like I can't remember her laugh or her voice but thankfully the videos remind me of how perfect they both were.)
We had the best life before the fire. Sure, there were things that I would complain about, but they all seem so petty so dumb in comparison to the things that I am forced to worry about now. The world seems to be getting worse too. Even kids seem to be cruel in new ways and at levels that are not excusable. The bullying that Althea has faced at her new school puts all past bullying to shame. These bullies are not just cruel, they are downright evil human beings and frankly I don't want to see what karma has in store for them. I wonder daily why this is my life, what did I do so wrong that this is the karma that I have received. I always tried to do good, to help others, and it seems as though none of that matters anymore. It seems as though nothing is ever going to matter in the same way again. The reason that I am so crushed has more to do with the pain that I see my kids in than the pain that I feel. Most days I am okay with feeling pain as I know that this just means that Adeline was as amazing of a human being as could ever live. I have sat and cried until the tears can no longer fall because I have ran out of tears. I have screamed at the universe begging for my reality to be different and yet nothing changes.
I would give anything and everything to have my little girl back. To hear her funny jokes, listen to her scratchy voice that always told us all how important we were to her, and to hear that giggle and the laughter that she was so full of. Nothing in the world has been right since the fire. Nothing will ever make the fire right and nothing can ever change the reality that is now and the pain that we are living in daily. There is so little in the world that is good these days. The news continues to get darker. The state of affairs in America is bleak. Sometimes I think that God took my precious girl because she was too sensitive and her heart was too big for what is to come. Other times I feel as though this is some terrible punishment for some wrong that I committed, for something that I said or did. I want to blame someone or something and most of the time I decide to put that blame on me. I wonder if there is ever going to be a time where this is not my life. Where this level of pain does not exist and where there is no pain is a place that I know is never going to be a part of my reality.
So, I am left feeling hopeless. I don't have hopeful thoughts. The only thing that I hope for is that I do not live a long life. I want to be with my girl one day. I don't want to live longer since she has passed then she lived on this earth. I know that is terrible to say. I know that I have other children that need me. I know that she is here with me and all around me all of the time, I feel her presence and sometimes when I am in the deepest meditations, I can hear her voice and feel her talking to me. I can hear her laughter. However, when I am in moods like this, I don't feel that it is right to connect with her in that way. She needs to know that I am okay and frankly right now that is not the case. I am hopeless. I don't know that there will ever be hope again in my life and that is alright. I don't know that I can ever again love so freely and so openly as there is such a great chance of loss and pain from those feelings. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to go on when she can't. I don't know how to do the basic things in life and I know that I am constantly failing at things. I miss my girl. I miss having my littlest love here with me. I miss every second of every day with her. I miss the way that she held my hand and the way that she said my name. I miss when she called me GaGa, maybe one day my kids will teach their children to call me GaGa instead of grandma in memory of their little sister. I hope that they do.
Please don't take the word hopeless wrong. I would never do anything to harm myself as I know that this would not allow me to see my girl again. I just want for God to take me to, to take me at the very moment that everyone will be okay without me, to allow me to pass quickly and peacefully, to allow me to leave when they will all be okay. I know that for the rest of my life, nothing will ever be right again. It is okay that this is the case. It is okay that life is not the same. We are all in this together and this is okay! I just need to know that one day I will be with my girl, that I will hold her in my arms, and that she will be there to wrap her little arms around me. I believe that this is thecae and I cannot wait to be with her again in whatever form that is. For now, life feels like too much....this new life has been so unfair, so cruel to everyone and seeing my kids in so much brings on a new level of hurt and pain for me.
After loss, I promise you that it is the simplest things in life that are missed the most.