Hard to Breathe, 81 Days Without You
I am struggling to breathe as I sit here tonight. I know that my girl is here with me. I am going to meditate and attempt to connect with her during a guided sleep meditation that is 8 hours long tonight. I am hoping that being able to feel her presence stronger in my dreams will give me the strength that I need.
I think that the reason that I am struggling is that I have been packing for our first weekend away without our girl as a family. Yes, I have been with friends and alone...but I have not traveled or spent time away with the family. The harsh reality as I packed that she was not here for me to help pack, that I did not get to help her pick out clothes, or remind her to take flip flops for going to the pool is setting in.
I know that life must go on. I know that I have three other children to focus on, but having three more children doesn't erase Adeline or make this easier at all. It means that I still have to do fun things with the kids, fun things that she loved and enjoyed, and fun things that she should be with us for. I don't want my other kids to never have fun. I want to be a fun mom for them. I have been dancing around the house and being silly this week and I think that this is helping them a lot. However, I don't want to have to keep living, I know that I have to but doing this is so hard. It doesn't feel right or real. The world feels so wrong without her here.
I can't stop sobbing while I think of each precious memory with my baby our....our last movie that we got to go to together (b/c of COVID everything was closed most of her last year of life) was this past week. We had went to Onward. I took this picture of us together. I miss her so much and also thankful for each of the memories that we shard together, but I want her back with me so very bad.
I will write more about days 3 and 4 soon....My solo adventure was very healing for me. I have moved past a lot of the guilt and self blame. There are still things that I can't do and will probably never be able to do, but some days I can at least manage to live now without feeling so guilty about being alive. I know that it just has not been my time yet, even though I will never understand why it had to be hers.
My mom also shared this picture from one of the only times that we got to eat out together the last year. With COVID we didn't get to take our typical girls trips and do all of the things that we always had before. We spent a lot more time at home and for some of that I am grateful...we had so many family game nights, movie nights, etc. I am so thankful that I had left social media and focussed so much on her and what we were doing as a family. However, there is a HUGE hole in my heart now that she is gone, a hole that will never fill, never go away, and will always be a struggle at certain times. I can't help it. This is not something that I can just get over. I just want her arms wrapped around me like this, giving me one of those giant hugs that she did so well. She always loved me completely and with a fierceness that I have never felt.
I get so mad when I see so many grief things that are supposed to make you feel better. I get that it was her time, but I don't want to hear that over and over again. I don't want it to have been her time. I want someone to blame, someone to take this pain out on, and yet there is no one. I also get mad anytime I see something about being okay. I am NEVER going to be okay. Sure, I won't struggle as much as I learn to cope, but it is literally that...learning to cope, not being okay or being able to handle life. It is not something that I will ever be able to just move on from. It is going to consume my soul for the rest of my life. It will be something that I continue to struggle with every single day until the day that I die. I also get completely pissed off when I hear how happy I should be that my child is in Heaven....um, no a-hole....no one is happy that their child is in Heaven....no one wants this and it is not fair. It is not life is supposed to be. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. It is supposed to be children burying their parents.
I am pretty blunt about death these days too. I know that this might seem harsh to some people, but there is no reason to sugar coat things. We will all die. We will not be able to prevent it or do anything to keep it from happening no matter what. We will all die. So, why do we lie to ourselves? Why do we seek out medical interventions to save our lives? If God really knows the time that we will die, intervention is not going to do anything but land us in a lot of debt and cause us to have a lot of heartache. Here is the deal. I am no longer afraid to die. There is no reason for me to seek medical attention for anything other than the meds that I need to survive and thrive. There is no reason to worry about getting sick because it literally won't matter if I see a doctor and get treatment or if I don't. According to everything spiritual, you can't change when you will die...so you might as well go out living life to its fullest and not worrying about what could happen.