Getting the House Ready
So, we went to get the rental house ready today. It is so hard to think about moving into a house where Adeline is never going to be living with us. This is one of those moments when it is extremely tough to keep going. I want to just crawl in a bed and cry and never leave. I want to have you there with me cuddling me. We went shopping for house things today and it still seems surreal. I want you to be here picking things out with me, Adeline, I need your help. Daddy and I did pick out things that we thought you would have loved. We got a holographic unicorn shower curtain and smiled. It was like it was meant to be. We got so many things for the house that way, thinking of what you would have picked. We miss you so much but we are determined to carry little pieces of you forward in all that we do. We want everyone to know your name around us and want for everyone to know what you stood for and who you are. We love you so much baby girl.
I love your sweet smile in this picture, sitting with two of your friends. This was the first day of second grade, a day that was so much fun and that I was so proud of you! You gave me a big hug and a big kiss and told me good-bye, so brave and so ready to start school as a a second grader. I chose this picture because next Monday the kids are finally going back to school around here. Your friends' parents, who are sending their kids to school, will be sharing first day of school pictures, pictures that I will never get to take of you again. I wish that you were here with us and that you were going to be starting school with your friends, or even just continuing e-learning with me, which is what we have chosen for your sister and brothers. It is such a surreal feeling knowing that these moments that I cherished and treasured will never happen again.
There have been so many mixed emotions these past few days. I keep listening to different songs that make me smile that we listened to with you. There are sooo many memories too. Little things that make us smile and think of you. Little moments where we have memories that carry us through. There were so many things that we did together and we still have a hard time with some of these, but over time we hope that we will be able to enjoy things together again. We will likely be spending our first night in the rental tomorrow and I am not sure whether to be sad or excited. I am excited to be out of the hotel and excited to be in a house....but I am so sad that it is without you. Adeline, there is nothing in the world that mommy and daddy would not give to have you back. We would have given everything in the world to never have you gone...even our own lives, but God didn't give us a choice. He decided that it was your time to go and that we had to stay...why? we might never understand.
Hey readers, please say a prayer for us. Please pray that we continue to feel Adeline and see the things that she wants us to see. Please pray that we will always feel her presence around us. I feel her so strong now and I cannot fathom not feeling her. My Sweet Adeline, please keep coming to me, keep letting me hear your voice on the wind and in my dreams. Let me see you giggle and tell me that you love me. Those moments are some of the best moments that I have had in the past few weeks. It is so hard to feel such pain in missing you. You were my littlest love, my mini me, my best friend, the best human I have ever met, and someone who I admired so much. You were the very little girl that I had prayed would be mine for as long as I can remember. (Your sister is amazing and beautiful and wonderful, but you liked all of the same things that I did. Your sister is grandma's mini.) I still have moments where I can't believe that you are gone, where something makes me feel as though I can't breathe and takes my breath away. Oh Adeline, I would give anything to have you back here and to hold you in my arms again. I don't know how I am going to keep living right now, how I am going to create a home that you are not ever going to live in. I don't know how I can do anything like this without you.