Well, a lot has happened this past month and to be 100% honest, I was just not mentally in a place where I could write about it. The weird thing for me is that writing is deeply therapeutic, but it also is so hard for me to to write when I am in a bad place mentally. This month, I wanted to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to be sad and I wanted to feel all of those emotions. I realized at the end of April when I was the same weight as I was at the beginning that I needed the blog and writing more than I had realized. I am getting back to journaling. I am getting back to the things that I once loved so much although they are all overshadowed by the sorrow and sadness that I carry with me.
Today is my first Bereaved Mother's Day. I had big plans for a family day and then going to Huxley's football game. My plans were derailed as Althea has tested positive for COVID-19. Thankfully she only had a fever for a day and after Shane and Huxley left the house as her friend who had exposed her tested positive and had kept her in her room for the day to make sure that she could not spread the virus to her dad and Huxley. Even though Shane and I have been vaccinated, we know people who have gotten COVID while being vaccinated. So far, I have continued to test negative.
(Althea got a gift from Heaven from Adeline. It's a farting unicorn and talking taco and a book. It was the exact type of gift that would have had Adeline cracking up!)
Quarantining with Althea has had it's own challenges. She is bored, I am bored. I am sad without my rock, I never realized how much mental support I got from Shane. Usually when he is gone, there have always been more kids in the house to keep my mind off of things. This time with it just being Althea, the nights have been long and there have been times of sorrow and sadness with everything going on and knowing that I have to miss my precious girl for so long. I had the overwhelming realization this week that if I live to be 50, I will have lived longer after Adeline passed than I did with her. That was a sobering reality that hit me at my core. It gave me such immense and incredible pain and it caused me to almost fall to my knees.
(Althea's flowers from daddy and Huxley)
(My surprise flowers from Shane and Huxley)
Thankfully, everyone has been wonderful. We have had food dropped off, flowers from my boys, small gifts and other activities have been here and all of this has helped us to be able to relax and enjoy life a little bit more. We are taking all precautions with Huxley being in the immune compromised category. Both he and Shane have tested negative. I will have one more test before our quarantine is over and fingers crossed, it will be negative as well. I need to have my family with me on Mother's Day. I need to be able to see all of my children and not just one. Going from four to three was a very rough transition and lately the reality that we will soon only have two children living at home full time has been hitting me harder and harder.
(Car decal we had made for our cars)
I am so proud of Andrew, his hard work and dedication, and so much more...but I am having a hard time realizing the world around us. I am having a hard time being able to think about only having two kids at home and in the house most of the year. It is an odd place to be and has a lot of sadness mixed in with the happiness. Thankfully, Andrew will be going to school fairly close to home and he likes to be taken out to dinners...so I will be able to occasionally drive to see him and have dinner with him when I am missing him.
Today, I am reflecting on my angel. I was gifted these beautiful works of art this week. This is my unicorn and it was made out of one of Adeline's very favorite sweatshirts that she wore all of the time. She bought this hoodie on one of our very last shopping trips together. We didn't get to shop much because of COVID and this trip was special because it was just the two of us to pick out a few clothing items at Old Navy. I will cherish this little unicorn until the day that I die knowing how much she loved that hoodie and how proud of it she was.
Althea had her unicorn made from the Nutcracker hoodie. The Nutcracker in 2019 would be the last performance that they would have together because of the pandemic and was the only performance where they shared some of the same roles. This was such a special and cherished moment for both of them and we are so thankful that they got to share in this experience.
The family friend, Ann, who made us these beautiful treasures took there remaining scraps and made me this amazing lap blanket. I don't think that I will ever travel or do anything where this blanket does not go with me. It allows me to always have Adeline by my side. It is so special and gives me so much comfort, because each of the squares represents a memory and a time when she wore that outfit.
I could use some prayers in a few areas. 1) please pray that I find a small online part time job either writing or doing something similar so that I can continue to heal and make just a tiny bit more income than I am. 2) please pray that I am able to heal some mentally and that I can really get to a place where I no longer hold onto the guilt of not saving my baby, of leaving her behind and expecting her to come down those stairs, and in not being able to get back up them. 3) that I can be the mom that I need to be for my other three children. I am trying so hard but feel as though I am regularly failing. 4) that I can finish up my MA as planned and get my yoga certification training done. 5) that the kids and Shane will be able to create happy memories together with me and that we can have some fun shows.