I can't believe that this is the second Valentine's Day without my littlest love. I can't believe that this is really real and that my life has become such a pain filled nightmare. I can't believe that God has taken so much from everyone in my family...it's not just me that is suffering, but my other kids who no longer that have that same sparkle in their eyes, my husband, and my parents and other family members (that I consider family, there are many people related to me who are not family and never will be).
First off, I know that I have been greatly slacking in the blogging department and the journaling department if I am being honest with you. I do so much better mentally when I am in tune with these things, but lately, I have not been feeling it. To be honest, I have not been feeling anything to do with life. That is okay. I do not have to always be on my A game or always feel something when I am supposed to. Some days, I can just exist and that is enough. One of the things that I am learning in this past couple of months is how to be kind to myself, to give myself the space that I need and to set my intentions. I know that with this will come much better things for me. I have a new goal to complete two blog posts each month moving forward. This should not be a hard concept. It is something that I will do to be able to make myself healthier mentally.
Recently, I weaned myself off of all of my pharmaceutical medications. This was hard for me but since doing so, I feel so much better and more clear headed. I do have major issues with focus as I was on ADHD meds for 22 years, but I am working to change that and be better. I am taking supplements and letting myself focus on my own health and well being first, not what others think I should be doing! This is making life a little bit easier for me. Giving up the pressure to fulfill the expectations of others has been freeing, to say the least.
Today is Valentine's Day and marks the second Valentine's Day without my funny Valentine. I miss Adeline daily. I am learning that this is never going to change. I still regularly break down and cry when talking about my life. I miss the old life that I had...the life that I did not appreciate as much as I should have. I NEVER took my kids for granted and always appreciated every single moment and memory with them, but overall I took for granted the little things like actually being happy...I did not think that I was happy then, but looking back those were the happiest years of my life and now they re completely over. The level of pain that comes with this realization is one that I do not think that anyone who has not lost a child can ever understand.
I have clear goals to get where I need to be to finish my MS, to be better at life and to really focus on the good that can come from the life that I live. I will accomplish this. I have to because my girl was proud of her momma and I want her to still be so proud of me for accomplishing what she will never get the chance to accomplish.
For the better part of the past year, I begged God to take me with her...I begged him to give her back her life and to take mine, knowing that this could never be...but it is what I so desperately wanted. I wanted for her to be given the chance to live. Recently, I have realized that wasting away my days and not living is not fair to Adeline. Adeline didn't get a chance to live and for that, I need to make the most of my days and do the most good that I can. This is what pushes me each and every day. This is what makes me work harder and what makes me desire each and every accomplishment that I am fighting for. It is something that she should have been given the chance to do.
The thing is I am going to admit that I am angry and upset with God. I still cannot for the life of my grapple with the why...why so many people are spared death and saved and why He couldn't have let one of those people be my little girl. She was healthy, well cared for, and loved so very much by so many people. I don't understand why God wouldn't let me have my baby girl until the day that I passed. I don't understand why God would bless me with such an amazing child only to take her away in such a short time. 3,303 days could never have been enough. Well, let's be honest...I can't spend too much time typing this or figuring it out. Instead I have to focus on the things that I have to accomplish like getting to work on this paper that is not going to write itself. I am here. I am going to do this and I will succeed.
Adeline, baby girl, your mommy is still so broken and lost without you. As I am sitting at ISU today, in the library, the very building that you walked with me to helping carry books the last time I visited, I am broken and sobbing, not caring what anyone passing by thinks. This has not been the first and I am sure it will not be the last time that I break down and cry today, but it is something that I am unashamed of. I spent so many years worrying about what everyone thought of me....and those things are no longer important at all. I wish I was able to give these things up years ago. I wish that I could have been everything for you! I miss you so very much and can't wait until the days that I can hold you in my arms again.