Finding God in the Midst of Pain
So, today was the hardest day that I have had since I lost my precious sweet Adeline. It was a struggle and something that was hard for me to accept. I had so much pain today and was really struggling with self blame and guilt. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty, I was gifted the most amazing touch dream last night when I knew that Adeline was with me.
She has visited Shane too giving him a big hug and he could feel her weight around his neck. She turned on a light in our car and she changed the mood of her mood necklace during her funeral. There have been so many signs that Adeline is with us still. My aunt had a unique situation with some electric candle lights turning on after she turned them off. She told Adeline that she needed to go to bed and they never turned back on even though they had multiple times.
I pray that she always visits me. I need to know that she is happy. I need to hear her beautiful giggle and have her tell me those amazing stories where her eyes would get big and she would smile that gorgeous smile.
Today I felt the weight of the world on me. Tonight Althea and I decided to start a devotional that she was gifted for Christmas. We were behind and she wanted to catch up to day 3. Today's devotional was very obviously meant for today. It was about giving God your burdens because if you don't your burdens will weigh you down where you can no longer live.
Adeline knew that she was not going to go back to school after Christmas break. I do wish that she had told me so that I could have prepared myself. I want to leave you with her last journal entry for school that was written on December 18, less than 48 hours before her little life would end.
My mini was a really fantastic writer for a 9 year old!
Hey sweet Adeline, if you are reading this, mommy and daddy and your sister and brothers are so proud of the little girl that you are. We want you to know that we will be dedicating our lives to making your life serve a purpose and have a greater meaning in the world. We love you so much and can't imagine having to spend years without you. We want you to be back here with us laughing and giggling with your sister and brothers. We want to hold you so bad. Keep visiting us in our dreams, please. Keep loving me and holding me in my dreams. Reach out to me please, my dear sweet Adeline. I need you to be present in my life in a major way.