Feeling You So Strong
Some moments, some days I can feel your presence around me and it is so strong that I forget that you are not here on Earth with me. Today is one of those days. In a way it is comforting to know that you are here and that you are with me. I am so happy to feel you so strong and I pray that I will always feel you this strong each and every day. A lot of things happen throughout the day and I know that they are signs of you. These are the things that give me the most comfort. I still mourn and weep and grieve my loss of having you here with me and being able to see your smile, but I am so very thankful that you are surrounding me with your light and love. I can feel it all of the time. I have never stopped feeling it.
(I know that I have already shared this picture...but it is a favorite of mine. I look at it all of the time to see that smile and remember those last few moments from before the fire. This was just a number of days before and it is a constant reminder not how beautiful my little girl is.)
Today I woke up and for the first time, I did not know what to say. I watched a TikTok video that was very powerful and brought me to tears because it was about loss and knowing that you are with me. Stephanie sent it to grandma and it was a beautiful reminder that you are here and that what I feel is so very real. I know that you are guiding the decisions that we are making. Daddy and I both have a strong conviction that you will show us what is meant to be in the coming months. We know that you are going to guide us through life the rest of our lives and that we just need to slow down, focus, and listen for you. This is helping me to have some sense of calm and peace as I weather this terrible and unforgiving storm.
There are moments in my day that literally feel like you were just with me...that I just looked at you and told you how much I loved you, but that you had to go to bed with your sister. Then there are moments where I feel the pain of not having you with me the past 26 days. I can't believe that it is real at times and that you are really gone. I don't know how to process all of the pain that I am feeling. I don't know how to process the thoughts that won't ever stop. I know that it was not my fault. I know with every fiber of my being that it was your time to go, but that does not make this any easier. It does not make it better knowing that you are where you are meant to be. I want you here. I want to be selfish and have you in bed snuggling me. I want to hear you laughing on FaceTime as you are playing games with Leah. I want to see your smile and hear that giggle, which I get to do with videos (and I am thankful for that) but I want it here and now.
Adeline I know that you are guiding me through life. I know that you are proud of who I am becoming because you have made me want to be the best me, you have made me want to be better. I am so very thankful for everything that you have taught me, but it pains me that my little girl had to teach me lessons and that I am not the one teaching her.