The hardest part of this entire experience has been the emotional turmoil that I constantly feel. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a bad dream, like something really bad is going to happen...then I realize that it already did. I really did lose my baby and she is really gone from this earth forever. I had dental surgery last week and am in the worst pain that I can imagine. I feel so sick and like I am going to pass out. I don't even want to get up and walk to the bathroom or places that are close to my bed because I am not sure that I will make it back. I don't know if I feel so bad because of emotional turmoil, pain, or if it is just something else all together. I am trying really hard to not be sick and to be better for the kids, but today I am going to the dr. I need to know what is wrong with me.
Last year at this time we were in Memphis, having a nice little get away with the younger three kids. Andrew had decided that he wanted to stay with his dad and not join us. We ate at some amazing restaurants, stayed in a hotel where the kids got to swim and enjoy some pool time, went to the National Civil Rights Museum, visited Beal Street, and got to go on the Stax Records tour. It was so much fun. I wish that I could do anything to make this reality different...that I could change something and she would be here with me. A part of me feels so broken when thinking about the upcoming Valentine's holiday. I am broken that there are no more Valentine's to make for her class....no more Valentine's parties to have with her friends. I am hoping that Althea will enjoy a little Valentine's Day party with her friends as it would be nice to plan something to do other than sit around and cry on that day.
I still don't understand why she had to leave. I don't understand why my best friend, the best human I have ever known was taken from me. I don't know why God would give me this beautiful and perfect daughter, only to take her away after such a short time. I am so sad and have tried to come up with reasons. The only reason that I can think of is that I am a terrible mom and God thought that it would be better for her to be with him instead of me. I am honestly so thankful for each of the memories that I had with her. I am so thankful that I got to spend so much of her nine years of life with her. I just wish that I could have been more, that I could have done more.
So, I woke up feeling really sick....like I am going to pass out, I have that headache, spinning feeling when I am sitting up, and more. I just feel awful and horrible and want t feel better, but am not sure that I ever will. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I can go to prompt care and they will figure out what I need. I just need something to make me feel better. I know that diet is a bit part of this as we have eaten out far too many meals. I am so excited to be home and to be able to start cooking once I feel a little better.