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  • awalto29

December Is So Hard

(This will forever be your picture from your last birthday. I remember this day as if it were yesterday and I would give anything to go back in time and for it to be yesterday. I will forever long to have you back in my arms baby girl. Mommy is so sorry that I didn't save you.)

December is the hardest month out of the year. It used to be the most joyous month in our year and now it feels as though I am just getting by and barely making it. No matter what new memories we create or what things we do, it is always so hard to keep going through the month. I miss Adeline so much and wish so bad that I had saved her that morning of the fire. I don't think that these feelings will ever go away and some days they are completely overpowering. I feel as though I can't breathe. I am starting to lose patience with things to. Like I get angrier than normal and I feel a rage within myself at not having my little girl that is sometimes scary.

(Celebrating your birthday without you just isn't quite the same!)

I just want my little girl back. I want to wake up from this nightmare that is our lives. I want to see my other kids truly happy without the deep sorrow behind their eyes. I want them to have a normal childhood and one where they get to grow old with their sister. I don't want what we now have. However, this is what I have gotten.

(Everyone misses you so much!)

I feel like I failed Adeline since I did not post a birthday message to her here, but I have been struggling with what to say on the blog. I have been struggling with how to write things and with what to write.

(Your friends still celebrate you! Leah's elves even wished you a happy birthday!)

Last Monday was Adeline's birthday. I was having a hard time over the weekend so on Sunday we decided to jump in the car with my grandma and brother and head to some Christmas experiences that I had never had before. We went to Ottawa first and then to Aurora. We had a nice time walking around the two Christmas markets, got some warm coffee and had a delicious meal with some great cocktails. It was a nice day and so much fun!!

(And Delaynee took you balloons to let you know that she was thinking of you!)

Then on Monday we decided to spend the day with family. My parents, brother, and grandma joined Shane, the kids and I to go visit Andrew at college. We went out to lunch together and then Shane and I came home to chill. We got a beautiful gift again of a medium reading. She shared with us that Adeline is such a strong presence that she has helped her with other families and has truly blessed her life. She told us that she feels a special connection to Adeline and our family. Once again Uncle Ryan was there and this time Shane's dad seemed to be present as well as my Uncle. It was surreal to hear the things that she said and to hear that Adeline is being well cared for by the men who were important in our lives.

(Adeline's tree is full of whimsical ornaments that she would have loved for sure!)

However, that is still not the same as being with her each and every day like we want. I want to hear her voice. I want her cuddled up next to me. I want to hold her hand. I want to feel her touch me and see the expression in her eyes as she tells me a story. I know that I want the only thing that I can never have and that is simply time with her here with us. I don't think that I will ever stop longing for this. I was reminded by the medium though that Adeline is proud of us for creating new memories with her siblings and that she wants us to continue to live. It gives me so much hope to know that one day we will all be together again.

(I finally have the Christmas window decorations that I Have wanted for years and my dream house. It just doesn't feel like much of a dream without Adeline living in it with us.)

On Tuesday we had another challenging day emotionally. I subbed all day and then Huxley and I met up with Shane and three of Adeline's four besties (the fourth was sick, but we made a promise to her that we would celebrate with her by going to the movies and dinner one day after the new year). We took the girls to Elevate to jump. This was the last birthday party that Adeline had before COVID settled in and we were forced to get creative and do the birthday in a bag while we had a virtual party with her friends. Then we went to Chick-Fil-A which was the same place that Adeline wanted to go that year with her friends. It was bittersweet. We appreciate so much that the girls still ask to celebrate Adeline and that they still miss her. It means that no one will forget her and let's be honest that is my biggest fear. However, it is also hard to see them having fun and enjoying life when she should be here enjoying life and having fun along side them.

(Even our basement is perfect and we continue to try and celebrate life with decorating and other fun!)

Then life went on as it does every day. Wednesday I went shopping with my grandma to get to where I Had most of Christmas done. I have one Amazon order and one local custom order to pick up after payday on Thursday and I am 100% done. It was nice to spend the day with grandma, shopping with her and talking to her. I had so much fun! Then on Thursday I worked on deep cleaning the house. Deep cleaning makes me feel good and it kept me busy. I took care of some other house things too like listing clothing that I have needed to for sale. Friday I subbed and then had a busy night with a church Christmas party.

(Althea celebrating Adeline's 11th birthday with her friends!)

The church parties also hard because we have past memories of similar events with our littlest love. I did learn though that I still have The Night Before Christmas memorized from when I had to do so in 4th grade....LOL! Saturday was full of crazy as well. It seems as though the week has flown by and in some ways staying busy was certainly a blessing. We also returned to church this week. It has been quite the time coming home but it feels so good to be there, even when I am flooded with memories of us when we were blessed enough to have our entire family there.

(Huxley and Delaynee celebrating!)

Then there was the Canton High School Madrigal dinner. I was so excited to take Althea and watch her friends, but again hit with the overwhelming sadness that this is something Adeline would have loved and something she would have wanted to be a part of and she will never get that chance. I am so thankful that she got to lead such a full life since it was cut short, but I don't think that I will ever stop longing for what could have been. I will always want my little girl and I will always dream of having here here with me. I want her back so bad that I would give literally everything to have her here including my own life, but that is not an option for me. I am stuck living out the rest of my days without her until I get to meet her again.

(Leah celebrating!)

This week is the Nutcracker and Shane and I will be making our debut. I am a party parent and I am enjoying my time with the kids so very much. They are really a great group of kiddos. I am just sad that Adeline is not here dancing with us. I wish so much that I could change things, that I could go back to that fire and save her. I have very few regrets in life but the one that I will never get over is that I left her behind to walk down those stairs and she didn't make it out and it is all my fault that she is gone. It doesn't matter how many times people tell me that it is not my fault, nothing will ever convince me that there is not some way that I could have saved my baby girl, if only I had tried hard enough. I just didn't do a good enough job and for that I will be forever in pain and sorrow. I am so sorry my sweet girl, mommy wishes there was anything in the world that she could do to change things and make it better, but I know that I can't.

(Braelynn celebrating!)

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