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Back Off Lady, He's Mine

My sweet Adeline. I awoke with a smile on my face this morning. I heard you in my dreams sweet girl and yes your daddy can always be yours. I remember when we used to tease each other and I would say "back off little girl, he's mine" and you would giggle and say "back off lady, he's mine." I will never forget the joy that I felt in those moments and reflecting on this memory has me smiling more than crying. I did pray before I got up to write, I awoke in my normal panic where I realize all over again that yes you are really gone. This seems to be how I will awaken for the rest of my life.

I wanted to share your beautiful spirit when I wrote today. I wanted to share just how special you were to everyone that you came into contact with. I found this amazing video of you and daddy. You two always had the most magical bond. We had the most magical bond as well. You see, my sweet Adeline, you were able to change the lives of those whom you came into contact with.

I still can't believe that you are really gone. This has to be the most painful feeling that anyone could ever experience. The loss that we feel without you leaves a giant hole in our hearts. We feel sad and we want so bad to hold you and have you here with us, but we know that this is just not what God had in mind for our family. We know now that you really are going to be famous and for a much different reason than we thought. You will be famous because we will refuse to let your name go unsaid. We will do something great to honor you, we promise baby girl. On the days when life seems unbearable I am going to push myself forward by thinking of how I can honor your name. Instead of wallowing in my sorrows, I am going to share stories about the happy little girl that you are.

Hello again my sweet Adeline, it was so nice to share this sweet memory of you and smile today. It feels surreal that I can experience a little moment of joy in the middle of such great pain, but I know 100% that is you reaching out to me from Heaven. I know that it is you telling me that Heaven is real and that one day we will be together again. You are so silly and so beautiful. You are the most amazing person that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. There could have been no child more perfect for this mommy and I so thankful that I got to be your mommy, even if it was only for 9 short years.

I know that I have some PTSD symptoms showing up. If we cook, I had to go back in the kitchen and check the stove seven times. If I see something that makes me nervous or if someone uses the microwave after I have laid down, I have to go check and make sure that it is okay. I sometimes can smell the smoke and hear myself screaming your name and begging you to just crawl to me. I have never felt such a panic as I did in those moments, I have never felt such a pain as I did on that sidewalk in front of my neighbor's house knowing that you had passed. I felt it. I felt the moment that you left the earth and it was literally seconds too soon as the firefighter was rushing you out of the house just after. They tried to save you. Until I write again my sweet and amazing baby girl. Please continue to visit me each day and let me know that you are okay. It makes these tender moments just a little more bearable and helps me to actually sleep at night.

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