Always Thankful, Struggling to Understand
I have always been thankful as a mom. Last year's Facebook posts were centered around the extra time that I considered a blessing during the COVID shutdowns. I got to spend so much extra time with the kids and I was so thankful for those moments and those memories. I didn't know what was to come and I was still thankful. Now I am more thankful that I had this extra time with my beautiful baby girl.
I finally logged back onto Instagram and looked through my posts. These are the photos that I am including today. These screenshots show just how thankful I was to be a mom and how thankful I was that Adeline was my little girl. This is part of what makes losing her such a struggle. I didn't take her life for granted. I didn't take the blessings of life that God had granted me for granted.
I don't understand when so many parents abuse their children, take their children for granted, choose to leave their children with other people, and do awful things that affect their children....why was my little girl taken and theirs spared? I know that this is an incredibly selfish thought especially if my daughter living meant another little girl would have to die...but I will be selfish in this moment. I wanted my little girl more than anything. My entire life I dreamed of having two little girls. I wanted Althea to have a sister to have that special sister bond that I never was fortunate enough to have. She had that, but for such a short time that I feel like she was cheated.
I know that life and death are not determined by us, that there is a reason, a time and a place for each of us....but I wanted more for my little girl. I wanted to see her grow up. I wanted to see her become a big girl. She died still believing in Santa. In fact, the moment that she passed was the moment that all of these things ended for me as a mom too. There will not be me being Santa again, no cookies left out for Santa, no joy over gingerbread houses or stockings, no Christmas mornings, no more Elf on the Shelf, no more reindeer food in our yard. As the year goes on, I get to experience the loss of playing the Leprechaun, the Easter Bunny, and more.
I will miss out on important moments...things like finishing 4th grade and entering the jr. high, graduating 8th grade, special classroom parties, special grade school volunteering, jr. high, and high school volunteering, no graduations, etc. There is so much that we are not going to get to do with our girl. I am heartbroken and so sad. I am sick thinking about the things that are happening. I want to hold my precious girl. I need her hugs, her cuddles, her laughter, and her joy. I just need her here so that I can be her mom for longer.
I know that I will always be her mommy....but I want to be mommy to my little girl where we get to experience life together. I want to have more memories with her. I do feel very fortunate that we did so much with her. I am so thankful that I took the trips, went to the places, and did everything that I was able to do with my girl. I would literally give anything in the world to just hold her and talk to her one more time...to have known that she was going to be leaving this Earth and to have been able to share with her everything that I have thought of.
I had these visions, but my visions were always of Adeline and I alone together. I believe that things happen in life, but I also believe that trajectories can be changed. That different decisions that we make can affect the outcomes and the life lessons that we experience. For instance, Adeline was supposed to be filming a lead for a short film the weekend of our fire. Had we been gone when the fire happened, I would not have woken up. I would not have been there to get the rest of my family out to safety. I would have likely had the visions that I had come true and Adeline and I would have likely been alone. I knew that something bad was going to happen. I knew that there was going to be something terrible. I honestly believed from all of my visions that something was going to happen to Shane, Andrew, Althea and Huxley...but I NEVER even considered that something might happen to Adeline. I did for a minute, but I always thought that if it did, it would happen to both of us and that I would be with her.
I can't fathom why I am here if she is not. I can't get over that I feel like I was meant to be with her, like I was meant to die too if she died. I know that this is not the most positive way of thinking, but this is the problem that I have right now. I cannot process these things and this is really what is hindering me most on my journey. I need to get some things together, I want to get my tattoo ready in the next few days so that I can consider getting it done soon. I want to do something really special but all created by her. It's going to take some copying and pasting to make it happen, but I am confident that I can do just that.
I have been really struggling this week. I am not even able to blog daily because I am suffering from so much sorrow and pain and I cannot put into words how I am feeling. I don't want to come across as suicidal (I would NEVER commit suicide). I just feel like it would be okay if something happened to me. I wouldn't be scared of dying or be sad about leaving this Earth. I just know that there are four people here who need me a bit longer and I am okay with that as well.
Finishing school, doing work, and getting ready to move on with life all feels wrong. I want to just mourn my girl. I want to hold onto all of the memories, write them all down, and focus on her....but so many other things need my attention. I also am not sure that this would be something healthy for me to do, to only sit and think about Adeline while I have three other children present would likely be damaging to them. I know that I need to think about them as well, but I need to get through my grief and I am not sure how to do that. I am going to attempt with some solo time in the woods. The woods have been my happy place and my place for peace since junior high when I was bullied terribly and would escape to the woods in my backyard. I want to move back to a place where I have woods in my backyard, but still want to be close to the city.
I have struggled with everything lately and am hopeful that after the weekend, I will finally be all caught up and where I need to be. I am just trying to push on even though the last thing in the world that I want to do is live. I don't want for life to go on without my girl. I don't want to be moving on without her. I want her here. I know that I can't have what I want, but I need her here.
I need to scream. I need to freak out bad. I need to sob in a different way. I need this time to heal these things within myself. I am hopeful that I will be able to take care of all of this and get myself through these things. I am hopeful that I will learn to live again...but for now living seems so far away.
As for my health, I am doing better. I am eating some. I eat six pieces soy bacon every day and typically have a meal and sometimes a protein shake. I am not able to eat much, but I eat when I am hungry and have quit forcing it when I am not because I am tired of throwing up. I am going to tanning, using a therapy light on my desk, and having infrared treatments. I am getting regular massages. I am taking the time to be real about my feelings. I just let my family know when it is a bad day. I am being more firm in my thoughts. I am being real with my family and telling them when I can't bear doing something.
I am sure that I will never be able to understand why I had to lose my Sweet Adeline. I am sure that I will never understand why she was taken from me when she was so well cared for and so very loved by everyone around her. I don't understand why her sweet best friends had to go through this sorrow and pain, why her family has had to go through this, and why my other children are having to bear the weight of losing a sibling. I will never understand why God took the most loving and wonderful human I have ever known from us. I will never understand why it feels as though I was not a good enough mom to have her for longer. I will never understand why Shane, the most loving and amazing father I have ever seen, has to bear the pain of losing his youngest child. I just don't understand and don't believe that I ever will.
While this song might not see the best. This is my current obsession and I feel like I must be obsessing for some reason that is unknown to me and therefore I am sharing it.