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Almost 3 Months...If Only I Had Known

I was thinking a lot this weekend about the things that have happened since losing my girl. I would have never imagined living even a single day without her precious smile and her warm and generous hugs. I could have never even began to imagine things happening without her. I would have never chosen to live without her. I would have easily given up my own life for hers. I miss her so very much.

This Saturday it will be 3 months. Friday night Shane and I will go to a special dance that one of her teachers choreographed in honor of her. We will take Althea and Huxley. Andrew and my parents are going on Saturday. I am sure that this is going to be emotionally hard for us. My brother is taking Althea and Huxley on Saturday as that is the day that it will have been three months. Three months without my angel. I cannot begin to describe the pain that I feel and the pain that is pushing it's way into my heart just writing this. I feel so angry, so upset and so sad all at the same time. It has been 85 days today without my girl. 85 of the longest days of my life. 12 weeks and 1 day since I last gave her a hug and kissed her on the forehead before she told me she loved me and kissed me on the lips. I would still give anything to go back to those moments. I would still give everything to have one more chance to spend time with her.

I was thinking this past weekend on a drive about how Adeline had tried to get us to go visit my grandpa and Shane's grandma. She told us that she just wanted to visit with them one last time and specified that she wanted to bowl with my grandpa one last time. I thought that something was going to happen to our grandparents, they are both in their 80s....but instead it was that something was going to happen to my angel. I never even had that thought in my mind. I wish so much that we had made these two trips and had these two visits. We didn't because of COVID but in the end, this is one of the few regrets that I had about everything to do with her.

I saw this adorable picture today and smiled before I cried. She was always a dramatic crier. She had this ability turn her tears off and on quickly. It was funny at times. lt was an adorable part of her personality. A part of her that I will forever I will miss every single thing about her.

I heard this song today by Althea Grace which she performed on American Idol. It was about her daughter being sick and possibly dying. She was able to get a liver transplant and live and I am so grateful that she does not know the pain of losing a child like I do. That being said, the lyrics, the song, it moved me in a way that I did not expect. I wanted to share it all with you.

**I will be posting a lot over the next few days...I need to post about a few things from my solo trip....a few things from my adventures this past weekend on our first family trip without our girl...and a few additional things that I want to say in memory of our angel. I also want to post about the things that people have said that make me want to scream again. They have changed since my last post and most people are not sayin those things, but there are some that I hear and I want to throat punch someone.

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