All the Emotions
I feel like I am constantly going through emotional shifts that I can't understand. One minute I can laugh when I think of something funny that Adeline said or if someone else around me makes a joke. The next minute I might want to punch someone in the throat. Then I could see something as simple as a box of Sweet Tarts (my sweet Adeline's favorite) and I am a mess sobbing and trying not to hyperventilate in the stores.
I want to discuss all of the emotions that I go through and I wanted to share this sweet picture of my beautiful girl. I miss her so much and I miss this type of thing the most. The little moments that you take for granted. These are the moments that matter the most. This was a normal morning in our house. My girls would often get up and come crawl into my bed. We would laugh, giggle, talk, and watch TV together. We were watching Scoob when it was first released in this case. We watched so many movies laying in bed together, shared so many secrets, laughed so hard that we cried, told each other the best stories, shared the events of our day, and so much more. It was a place that we would often be together. Now, even sitting in a hotel bed that will never be mine is torture. I feel like I am dying. I don't want to be in a bed ever, but often times that is the exact place that I am in.
Anger has been rearing it's ugly head a lot lately. I have always been a little bit of an angry person, but I have never felt the rage that I have felt since losing my sweet Adeline. There are a few people that a lot of my rage is directed at, but mostly it is myself. I am so mad at myself that I did not do something different. That I did not take Adeline down those stairs with me, that I did not hold her little hand in mine and lead her out of that fire, that I did not try harder to climb those stairs to get to her. I know that everyone keeps telling me it is not my fault, but there are decisions that I made that if I had made different decisions she would be alive today.
Another person that my anger is directed towards is an electrician in our town. When we purchased our home, there was old tube and lock wiring in the walls. We had to have that replaced and fixed before we could get a loan. However, the electrician only changed parts of the tube and lock wiring and not all of it. The fire investigators could not tell us the source of the fire, but he did mention this to us about the wiring. The reason that the source could not be found is that the fire burned for too long and too hot before it was put out.
Again, I know that this is not an emotion that I should be feeling but this is something that I have to work through. I feel the most intense guilt. I am fearful to be alone with my other children, terrified to do the simplest tasks with them like drive or take them to an appointment. I am terrified that I will do something that will hurt one of them, that one of them will become hurt while they are with me and that I will lose another child because of myself. I know that this is not logical thought processing, but as I replay my decisions in my head over and over again, I think of the many different ones that I could have made that would have resulted in her getting out of that house alive.
I don't think that I truly understood the word sorrow until I lost my sweet Adeline. Sorrow goes to a depth that is much past sadness. It is a depth that I cannot understand and a depth that I know can never go away. This feeling is so intense that at times, I don't feel like I can breathe. I am so sad all of the time. I try to fake happy to be good for those who are around me, but I am not happy and the sorrow that I feel is consuming my soul and it takes most of my energy to do the simplest things. For instance, in the mornings. I will myself to get ready for the day. I spend the whole time that I am typing and working on things thinking about how I need to get up and take a shower. Then I drag myself from the bed and into the bathroom to actually get ready for the day. It takes every ounce of my energy to do this.
I am so afraid of so many things right now. I am afraid that I will never be able to do the things that I need to do to better myself. I am terrified of doing anything that would not be something that Adeline would like. I fear that I will forget her laugh or her sweet raspy voice or that I won't hear it one day when I play the songs that we used to sing together. I fear that my sorrow will affect those around me. I fear that I can't be the good mom that I so desperately want to be for Huxley, Althea, and Andrew. I need to be better for them, but I fear that I can't. I fear that I am always going to have these raw emotions and that rather than learning how to cure my soul, I am going to be learning how to live with this much pain. I fear that joy in our house will always be overshadowed by immense sadness. I know that these are the very things that Adeline would not want, but some days when it is struggle to get out of bed, I don't know how to be the mom that they need. I don't know how to be the mom that I was before I was the mom who lost my baby girl.
There is something that is unique about this situation for me. I feel such a depth of emotional pain that my physical pain has diminished. I know that I should be in pain with my back, neck, and shoulders as they are so tight, but I do not feel that pain at the moment. I do not feel that pain because I am feeling so much emotional pain. I also have fibromyalgia and winters are normally a really bad time for that and my arthritis, but this winter I feel none of that. I can see in my posture, in the way that I walk, etc. that the pain is there but I am not able to process in my brain that my body is feeling pain. I am only processing the immense emotional pain that is so raw after losing my precious baby girl.
Please continue to pray for me as I work thought these big emotions. I know that prayers are the only thing that can really help me so that I can be the person that I always was, the mom who was funny and who played with her kids, the friend who could crack jokes and laugh (although I have made Shane laugh a few times in the past 19 days), the mom who could play all of their favorite games without crying, the wife who could show my love and support, and just the person who was there for others. I am not good at having others be there for me. I am not good at asking for help. I am not good at telling others what I need. I am good at taking care of the needs of other people. I am good at offering help when I see that it is needed. I am good at being there for others when they need someone. This has flipped who I am and turned it upside down. It has made me beg, scream, and cry about the things that I cannot control. It has ripped my soul from my body and torn my heart to shreds and yet I am still consumed with the need to help others. I want to talk to others and help them. I want to be the person that I was before the fire, but there is a deep recognition that this will never be the case, that I will never again feel the way that I once did.